Mike Goldberg, Local Celebrity

Three Strikes! You're Out of the Dating Pool

2007-10-01T22:01:00.000-04:00

Baseball concepts have been used to describe many aspect of the dating world. In sixth grade when you proudly told your buddies at the lunch table that your elbow totally got to second base with the new teacher assistant,* you meant that you accidentally brushed up against the teacher's assistant's chest. It was a high point of your sex life up to that point. (Please see this article for a complete discussion of the sexual analogue to baseball)

The Three Strikes concept is now being extended to comprise a test for inclusion in the dating world. If you have all 3 of the traits you are undatable. My advice is work on your swing before stepping up to the plate again.

Each gender has a different set of characteristics or strikes because men and women are looking for different traits in the opposite sex.

Women are emotionally deep. So they value characteristics deeper than looks. The number 1 characteristic women want in a man in every survey is a sense of humor. What this really means is that she wants a rich man with some attempt at a sense of humor and he should be relatively in shape. As such, the 3 strikes are:

Has a job
Lives in an acceptable place
In decent shape

Unfortunately, I am 1 strike away from being undatable. I am unemployed and living at home.
I go to the gym or run most days. I can't let my girlfriend break up with me because I am undatable.

Men are superficial. So the 3 strikes for girls is simply:

Ugly
Fat
Stupid

Let's face it, you can date an ugly fat chick if she is really cool or smart. You can date a really ugly cool chick. There are fat hot chick who can be cool. But let's face it, if you are an ugly fat chick who totally sucks to be with, you are undatable. So get your ass in the gym. I'll see you there.

* Every guy remembers the arrival of the new teacher's assistant in middle school or high school. (Miss McGuire) She was the hottest female in your life up to that point. I mean, who else do you have to compare this college age girl to? You contemporary female classmates? Not likely. Strangely attractive much older cousin? (Brighten Beach Memoirs) Unless one of your friends' mom was a total MILF or he had an older hotter sister, the teacher's assistant was the hottest woman in your life up to that point.

People You Will Meet In Law School Part 10

2006-08-29T13:20:00.000-04:00

Name: The Group who Talks Way Too Loud for the Quiet Conversation Section of the Library

Description: The Law School Library is divided into two main sections: the Silent Section and the Quiet Conversation Section. The Quiet Conservation area is basically free-reign for talking. But, of course, there is the Group who Talks Way Too Loud for the Quiet Conversation Section of the Library. This groups shouts at each other, Laugh like supervillians, and slams their books down. This group is loud enough with their jokes and following cackles that you wish the powers that be would strike them down from above with a lightning bolt or at least a wicked bad cold sore.

Remedy: You could be brave enough to ask them to be quiet, but you're not. All you can do is sit there and complain to the people at your table about the Group who Talks Way Too Loud for the Quiet Conversation Section of the Library being too loud.

People You Will Meet In Law School Part 9

2006-08-29T13:19:00.000-04:00

Name: Guy who Always Forgets to Turn His Cell Phone Ringer Off

Description: Cell phones are great. You have the ability to contact any person in the world in your pocket. The Cellular Phone ranks up there with the Light Bulb, the Printing Press, the Computer, the Wheel, and Internet Porn. But, like all the other great inventions, there are those who don't know how to properly use the power of modern technology. You know there was some guy who had one of the first light bulbs and thought it was cool to shine it in people's faces momentarily blinding them. That guy sucked and so does the Guy who Always Forgets to Turn His Cell Phone Ringer Off.
The Professor is prattling on about the Doctrine of Standing and Michael Jackson's Don't Stop 'til You Get Enough starts sounding from the lower right side of the room. Everyone stops what they are doing to look at the Guy who Always Forgets to Turn His Cell Phone Ringer Off rifling through his pocket through the festival of pens and papers he has in there is a vain attempt shut off the his personal ring tone. Thanks for wasting everyone's time.

Remedy: Put your phone on vibrate. If you're in class now, check to make sure its on vibrate. Sometimes the Professor will be a maverick by asking the Guy who Always Forgets to Turn His Cell Phone Ringer Off for the ringing phone. The Professor will pick it up to inform the caller that the Guy who Always Forgets to Turn His Cell Phone Ringer Off is in class and will call back later. This public embarrassment might remind everyone not to be the Guy who Always Forgets to Turn His Cell Phone Ringer Off in the future.

Wine Night: How to Get Ass in College

2006-08-27T00:50:00.000-04:00

Problem: You have just taken a girl on a date. You spend $100 on dinner and want to bring her up to your dorm room to have sex, but you don't know how to get from "Want to come up?" to her lying satisfied on your bed.

Solution: Wine Night

Wine Night is simple concept that will always lead to you getting laid. Here is how you do it. Before you meet up with your Special Lady Friend buy a $10 to $15 bottle of Red Wine preferably Merlot or Pinot Noir and a $20 bottle of Champagne. Every girl loves Merlot. Most likely she has not heard of Pinot Noir, but she will like it and be fooled into thinking you know wines. Champagne is great. Girls love the bubbles. It will get you drunk but a light happy drunk which is much better to compared with the heavier beer drunk.

Buy a Chick Flick In Disguise Movie like Almost Famous or Wedding Crashers. Basically a movie that is funny but in the end the male lead finds love and realizes it was the girl there the whole time. That sappy romantic shit is great.

After the dinner or whatever you two were doing invite her up to your dorm for a movie and tell her you have some wine, specifically a Merlot or Pinot Noir, you've been wanting to try. It is important to be open and honest here. You know what is going to happen if she comes up to your room. She knows what will happen is she goes up to your room. Mentioning the wine will make you seem more mature and refined than if you tell her about the 6-Pack of Natty Ice hiding towards the back of your fridge. If she says no, then you're out of luck. But if she says yes, then take her upstairs put on the movie allowing her to watch to beginning while you open the bottle of wine.

IMPORTANT: You must know how to open a bottle of wine. Practice on something or learn from a friend. If you screw it up or there is cork floating in her glass, the perceived romance is lessened. Also know how to pour wine. There is a proper technique to pouring and the amount that should be poured into the glass.

Open the bottle of wine, pour two glasses, hand one to her, sit next to her on the couch, and then cheers. The cheers is the most important part. The Cheers is a signal that you are drinking, she is drinking, and you are two mature adults enjoying a bottle of wine, not two college kids getting drunk.

Enjoy the wine and the movie, but particularly enjoy the company. Periodically offer to fill her glass when she finishes it. Do not rush the wine. If you finish before her, you can refill your glass. Offer to refill her's if need be.

When the bottle of wine is done you two should have a little buzz going, but the movie should be at most half way over. Inform her that you have a bottle of champagne and offer her a glass. If she says yes, open the bottle, laugh at the cork popping, and pour a glass for her and a glass for you. Cheers. Repeat.

After a while or when the champagne is gone, make your move. There is nothing to fear. The wine has gotten you two buzzed and the champange gives you a warm kinda bubbly drunk feeling.

How does the movie end? Who cares?

Feminist Note: You are not trying to get this girl drunk to get laid. That is lame, will lead to bad things, and in is illegal in 49 states (Go Mississippi!). All Wine Night is two adults enjoying a bottle of wine, a bottle of champagne, and each others company. The Alcohol is acting as a social lubricant and will hopefully counteract some nervousness that you may be feeling. Most importantly, if the girl says no then you have to stop. Girls talk. A lot. If you are known as that guy you won't get laid that night and you won't let laid again if girls know your reputation. If she says she doesn't want another glass don't pour her one. Pour yourself one to make sure she knows she is not going to ruin your enjoyment of the wine. If she refuses, it does not mean she isn't interested. She may be buzzed or drunk enough for what she is doing and may not want to be drunker. Still make your move. After all, a girl is voluntarily in your room watching a movie with you. I said it before: You know what is going to happen if she comes up to your room. She knows what will happen is she goes up to your room. Don't let anything stop you from making your move. If you make your move and she stops you, then I'm sorry. You found the wrong chick and stop wasting your time and precious wine on her.

Things You Should be Shot for Doing Part 1

2006-08-25T10:49:00.000-04:00

In this series of posts I will be discussing activities people do or products people use and solely based on this, each of these people should be shot on the spot. A popular version of this is on The Man Show when Adam declares himself King and in a series of Royal Decrees he proclaims that "Any man caught walking a cat on a leash will be shot on sight." I wish to continue down this route when I come across something as offensive as a man walking a cat on a leash.

To the left you see the newest product for doggy travel, the PuppyPurse. The PuppyPurse is designed to a light weigh dog carrier for the busy pet-owner. Look at the picture to the left of our model gal pet-owner powerwalking her cares away while little Fido enjoys a little fresh air.

This woman (albeit a very attractive one) should be shot. Has society forgotten why we walk dogs? It's not to get fresh air or allowing the dog to benefit from your company (recent studies have shown that the dog will forget something after 30 seconds. Bonding time just got a little less memorable). The dog gets walked to do its business.

The creators of the PuppyPurse "Hedy Grant and Suzanne Sherman noticed how many people were carrying their dogs inside handbags in the heat of Summer and decided there was a gap in the market for a more suitable and stylish carrier." Carrying dogs in hangbags? Have we as a society lost our minds? You are seeing the Paris Hilton Effect on us all. Stupid Spoiled Whore carries an uglier than sin little dog around with her all the time and now its a trend spawning this unholy invention.

"Miss Sherman was said to have been inspired to set up the business two years ago by her own Maltese dog Sammy who 'wanted to be with her all the time.'" I want to shoot the inventors right now. Your little rat dog does not love you. It's feeble brain only knows you are the one who gives it food. It doesn't love you. No one does. I am going to take one guess at each of the inventor's personal lives. One has never been married and no one ever loved her. To fill the void of no meaningful relationship with a person she has her little Maltese. The other one is probably divorced. Her Ex Husband hates her and her kids don't call as often as she would like. To fill the nothingness which has become her life she buys a little Chihuahua.

Worst of all, the PuppyPurse costs between $75 and $115. A small price to pay to look like a complete social reject. At least your little dog will be happy as it bounces up and down. After a brief walk it will feel as if it were shaken by a British Nanny.

I hope the PuppyPurse people come out with Extra Large version allowing owners of larger dogs, like my huge black lab, to enjoy the benefits of hands-free walking.

People You Will Meet In Law School Part 8

2006-08-24T13:28:00.000-04:00

Name: Guy who Makes his Political Beliefs unnecessarily Known

Description: When it comes to Law School there are situations where students' political beliefs are just going to come out. In Constitutional Law Roe v. Wade will undoubtedly put a spot light on the feminists and the conservatives. It happens. But the Guy who Makes his Political Beliefs unnecessarily Known will insert his political believes into such classes as Civil Procedure or Securities Regulations. "It just seems all these laws are made by rich white men to make other rich white men richer." "Helicopterous? Damn it, this would have never happened if Regean was President! He would have gotten those widows jurisdiction." "Do you think the current quagmire in Iraq would have an affect on the 2007 Federal Rules of Evidence? I mean, Bush is to blame, right?"

Remedy: Once more there is no remedy. The Guy who Makes his Political Beliefs unnecessarily Known believes what he says and will let no one repress him! How dare you.

People You Will Meet In Law School Part 7

2006-08-24T13:27:00.000-04:00

Name: That Couple

Description: They sit on the benches in a common area of the law school arms inter-twined making kissy-faces at each other while staring deeply into each others eyes. No one likes PDA (Public Display of Affection), but this is law school. In law school people walk around hating life because they are in law school. When your world of law school misery is interrupted by a ray of sunshine coming from this happy couple, you want them instantly to share in your misery. No one is allowed to be happy in law school.

Remedy: No need to worry. This couple will break up during the exams. They'll blame it on the stress, but you won't care. You're just happy because there are two more law students sharing in the general misery.

People You Will Meet In Law School Part 6

2006-08-24T13:26:00.000-04:00

Name: Your Favorite Professor

Description: He is the cool professor. He makes the law fun by joking about the plaintiff's problem, the defendant's stupidity, and jests with your classmates. The 2 hour class flies by twice a week. 2Ls and 3Ls don't seem to like Your Favorite Professor, but that doesn't matter because he is cool and makes the law fun. You plan on taking all the classes Your Favorite Professor offers. But in the end the joke will be on you. Your Favorite Professor's exam will be the hardest one in the law school. You walk out of the exam wishing Your Favorite Professor would be hit by a 18 Wheeler.

Remedy: Don't take his class ever again and tell all the 1Ls that Your Favorite Professor sucks. They won't listen. They like his classes. They think Your Favorite Professor is cool and makes the law fun.

People You Will Meet In Law School Part 5

2006-08-24T13:25:00.000-04:00

Name: The Law School Class Clown

Description: Law School is boring. Classes last for up to 3 hours. Who can resist whispering a comment to your neighbor or IMing a little joke to your friend in the front row. But the Law School Class Clown raises his hand and makes a comment that is so painfully unfunny you want the money he just wasted in class time. Here is an actual exchange that happened in my Election Law Class:

Professor: It is very hard to challenge a citizen's right to vote, but you can usually do so successfully by proving the would-be voter is either mentally handicapped, specifically the law say an "idiot," or mentally insane.
[The Law School Class Clown's hand innocently goes up]
Professor: Yes? [ready to answer The Law School Class Clown's question]
The Law School Class Clown: Idiots or the Insane? How do they let anyone vote?
[No one laughs. Everyone just stares at The Law School Class Clown]
Professor: Yes, well. Moving on.

Remedy: Just don't laugh at his awful jokes. If The Law School Class Clown does not get laughs he will stop.

People You Will Meet In Law School Part 4

2006-08-24T13:24:00.000-04:00

Name: Old Guy in Class

Description: The Old Guy in Class decided to enjoy his retirement by taking the LSAT and attending Law School. He smells of medication and ointment. He shows you pictures of his half-retarded looking grandchildren. With his pants hiked up around his nipples, he sits front row center with a notebook from his early days in school. He remembers WWII and is frequently asked by the professor if he remembers events related to current cases like Japanese Internment, Segregation, the Pentagon Papers, the Dredd Scott Case, etc. He frequently uses terms that were fine in his day but today may be deemed racial insensitive, however, like your slightly racism great-aunt, he is just too old to try to change so its better to just ignore him. This Blackhole of time will suck the usefulness out of any study group he was pity invited to join. The Old Guy in Class does not understand computers (or as he refers to them as "Crazy Contraptions") and always asks for your help on WestLaw. The best thing to do is say you use Lexis. If he uses Lexis tell him you use Westlaw. If he uses both, the simple speak a little Spanish. This will befuddle him causing him to call upon his yesteryear stereotypes causing him to think you are a janitor at the school. He will leave you alone.

Remedy: Wait him out. Odds are he will realize he is too old for exams and quit after 1 semester. But if he is determined the stress of Law School could give him a heart attack. Don't worry, you won't care during exam time. It's not that you are cold hearted, but that you don't have time to mourn. You barely have time to brush your teeth.

People You Will Meet In Law School Part 3

2006-08-24T13:23:00.000-04:00

Name: Girl who asks Personal Question

Description: The Girl who asks Personal Question can either be a brief reccess from class or a brutal drive into the newly discovered class psychopath's personal life. Either way, this girl gives you a story you can tell the rest of your friends how they will let anyone in Law School. Usually it begins when the Professor is lecturing about a general area of the law we all have had a brush with.

Professor: The Police can not search a vehicle without a reasonable suspicion, probable cause, or a warrant.
[Girl who asks Personal Question's hand shoots up]
Girl who asks Personal Question: Wait, my boyfriend I was stopped by a cop in the city after an all night rave. He's the DJ. And the cop stopped us and patted me down. I mean that was not right? My boyfriend was arrested for something. I think they found his E, but he got released later that day. I mean if what you just said was correct, then how could that cop arrest my boyfriend?
Professor: Umm... I don't know all the facts, but getting back to the case.
Girl who asks Personal Question: Wait, so the cop was wrong? I can tell my boyfriend that, right?
Professor: I don't know.

Everyone in the class is left in stunned silence.

Remedy: It won't really be problem because this will only happen once in the semester.

People You Will Meet In Law School Part 2

2006-08-24T13:22:00.000-04:00

Name: Guy who Asks Questions at the very End of Class

Decription: Despite what some poeple will tell you there are stupid questions. Usually the people telling you this are the stupid people asking the stupid questions. But in Law School things are different. From the Professor's point of view every question is a stupid question. So sometimes the stupidest of questions may lead the professor on a long winded story eventually taking him to a list of elements you need to know for the exam. But there is a wrong time to ask a question: at the very end of class. In Law School, classes sometimes go as long as 3 hours and after 2 hours and 58 minutes all you want is to go home. But up goes the hand. "Professor, could you please explain the holding of the Katz Case again? I am confused how this violates the 4th Amendment." The Professor then repeats the last 15 minutes of his lecture. The class ends only because people from the next class are walking in and out of the room after noticing the room full of angry people.

Remedy: There is no remedy. Confrontation will not work because the Guy who Asks Questions at the very End of Class gets defensive. Just sit there in agony and make sure your notes match the Professor the second time around.

People You Will Meet In Law School Part 1

2006-08-24T13:21:00.000-04:00

Name: Guy who Read the Case too Closely

Description: Every case you read in law school can be condensed down to a few sentences or list of elements. Everything else in the case is useless to you. Your Constitutional Law Exam will never ask you what is a Writ of Mandamus is or Why Marbury wanted one from Madison. It doesn't matter what a Writ of Mandamus is or Who Marbury or Madison were. All that's important is this case establishes Judicial Review. However, this doesn't matter to Guy who Read the Case too Closely. He immerses himself in the procedural history even going on Westlaw to see what exactly happened in the lower court. He'll even ask you. But you don't know. You didn't even read the case. You read the case brief in the High Court Casebook.

Remedy: Don't worry about Guy who Read the Case too Closely. Overly frustrated regarding a contradiction in the trial court's reasoning, he will ask the Professor about the lower court or some procedural aspect of the case. The Professor will respond, "I don't know. It's not important."

People You Will Meet in Law School

2006-08-24T13:20:00.000-04:00

The following series of posts is a list of the People You Will Meet in Law School. Each of them exists in every law school across the country and perhaps internationally. Everyone of these People You Will Meet in Law School makes Law School just a little more miserable than it needs to be.

If you think that you may be one of these people, you are. I would like you to know that everyone hates you and wishes only the worst for you, but only on exams not in life generally. However, if you think about it, in Law School Life is Exams and Exams are Life; so, in that way they wish you only the worst in life, but only on the short-run. If you do poorly on exams there is a hope that you won't be back next semester.

My Conversation with a MySpace Girl who wants to go to Law School

2006-07-24T21:26:00.000-04:00

I received a message from a random chick on MySpace. She wants to go to Law School and decided to contact me because my profile said I went to the Law School.

Her first message

From: ~*Melissa*~
Date: Jul 24, 2006 5:27 PM
Subject: yo
Body: Heyy,

i was looking around on myspace...im kinda new to it...but i came across ur profile and it said law and seton hall so i knew i had to message u! are u looking into law school there?? i may be so i was just wondering

melissa

My reply

To: ~*Melissa*~
Date: Jul 24, 2006 5:32 PM
Subject: RE: yo
Body: I am in Law School at Seton Hall Law. You want to go to Law School?

Her response

From: ~*Melissa*~
Date: Jul 24, 2006 5:56 PM
Subject: RE: RE: yo
Body: yeaah i definately do...im still at montclair state until december...but i def wanna go and im looking into seton hall! how do you like it??

My Reply

To: ~*Melissa*~
Date: Jul 24, 2006 6:20 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: yo
Body: I'll tell you this now. Law School sucks. Sorry. It's not fun. Ask yourself why you want to be a lawyer.

Read these blogs:
http://barelylegalblog.blogspot.com/
http://anonymouslawyer.blogspot.com/

They will give you a slightly cynical but realistic perspective of law school and being a lawyer.

Sorry if I discourage you a little. Watch Alley McBeal. That should counter act whatever realistic view of law school you may gain.

Personally, I watch Law & Order on my TiVo. It helps. You know the good guys win and the bad guys go to jail in one hour. A murderer is put to justice. It all makes the law seem like a episode of the Brady Bunch. But your family isn't like the Brady Bunch. Dad has a rage problem and Mom likes to drink.

Law is not like Law & Order. There is discovery (consisting of asking the plaintiff for a document several times before making the judge order him to give it to you) and preparing for trial (100 hour weeks). However, You never go to trail. You just prepare for it. Almost all cases settle the day before the trial begins.

I hope I answered your questions. If you have any more please do not hesitate to ask.

Her Response

From: ~*Melissa*~
Date: Jul 24, 2006 6:37 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: yo
Body: ahhh lol...hmmm well maybe i look at some other options just in case...i wanted to say hi too tho bc u seem nice!

My Reply

To: ~*Melissa*~
Date: Jul 24, 2006 6:42 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: yo
Body: Just trying to help.
Thanks for the "Hi." Good luck in the application proccess.

I know I am not the best person to ask about Law School, but I thought I at least owed her an honest answer. My friend thought I was a bit harsh when I told her what I did.

Loantaka: some chick is talking to me on MySpace
Loantaka: telling me she wants to go to law school
I Luv Law Skool: haha
I Luv Law Skool: sucks
I Luv Law Skool: oh man
I Luv Law Skool: she's talking to someone who hates it
I Luv Law Skool: i like it
Loantaka: yeah she isn't too bright
Loantaka: this is going to be a great blog entry
I Luv Law Skool: one about her?
Loantaka: yeah
Loantaka: just our conversation
I Luv Law Skool: haha nice
I Luv Law Skool: you're being a little ridiculous
I Luv Law Skool: law school is not hell or something
Loantaka: i know
I Luv Law Skool: we goof off quite a bit
I Luv Law Skool: you're gonna make her change her mind and life
I Luv Law Skool: nice move
Loantaka: if i change her mind she shouldn't be a lawyer
Loantaka: if a random guy who says he is law school on his MySpace profile makes you change your life plan maybe the law just wasn't for you after all
I Luv Law Skool: haha good point

7 Hot Things to Say to a Woman

2006-07-20T10:41:00.000-04:00

I came across this article on the Men's Health web site. Frankly, I do not agree with some of the 7 Hot Things to Say to a Woman. Here is the list followed by my opinions.

1. "I love your eyelashes."

This just seems like an odd thing to say. I think a girl would be a little weirded out and just say a polite "Thank you." Definately not Hot.

2. "Sex with you just gets better and better."

Fine, this is a good one. Girls love to hear they are good in bed just like guys. Just building up the their self esteem so they don't go psycho, depressed, or both on you upon discovering that the Starbuck's Vanilla Frappuccino Blended Coffee they have been drinking every morning has 580 calories, 17 grams of fat, and 85 grams of sugar.

3. "You look beautiful when you're sleeping."

Nothing appears more crazy than telling a girl that you watch her when she sleeps. And nothing is more scary than waking up to see some one watching you sleep. Next time you meet a girl tell her "I watch you when you are sleeping." You better be Santa Clause or she is going to think you're a psycho.

4. "The way you dance is really sexy."

This is a nice way of telling a girl she looks like a slut when she goes to a club. Girls love going to clubs in the smallest amount of clothing possible then virtually having sex on the dance floor. Not that that's a bad thing, but saying she looks sexy is just the nice way of telling her that she succeeded in dressing like a slut and dancing like a whore. And bless her for doing it!

5. "You have a wonderful laugh."

Okay, this one is good. I would use this one.

6. "You're so clever."

See, I just don't get this one. Am I supposed to wait for her to make a joke or witty observation that is clever? Or do I just listen to her tell a story about that one girl at work/school who was trying to get her, but she out smarted her by wearing the blue flip-flips with the pink skirt on Tuesday not Wednesday. "You're so clever." Or when she repeats a line from Sex & the City that wasn't funny in the first place. "You're so Clever." And how about Sex & the City being on TBS now. That show was tolerable when your gf or the girl you were hoping to sleep with later that night takes control of the remote (mistake number one. I don't care if its her place. You are the man. If your don't establish TV Channel dominance now, you'll be watching the Christopher Lowell show picking out doylies during the Superbowl). At least on HBO you were guaranteedd to she some tits. But now on regular cable there is no nudity. Tits in that show were a break from the estrogen soaked show about women behaving like gay guys. You needed the full frontal nudity. It was like gettign a cold bottle of water during a marathon. You just need it or you're not going to make it to the end. "You're so clever."

7. "Your skin smells fantastic."

Women love to hear how they smell nice. It's just one of those things. They buy $150 per ounce perfume to smell like puked up roses. Telling them they smell nice validates something. It's like when she tells you that you're good at sports or some competition oriented activity. Some things just are that way. But saying "Your skin smells fantastic" may cross the line into psycho again. It just sounds like something Hannibal Lector would say on a blind date.

Since I am complaining about these 7 Hot Things to Say to a Woman, I should give my own just to show I have something positive to contribute. But instead of giving you cliche lines, I will give you simple concepts.

Compliment her Eyes. Stupid people think the eyes are a gateway into your sole. Naturally, this is retarded, but women will believee it if they are told they have beautiful eyes because that means they have a beautiful soul.
Some Physical Aspect of her being Soft. Women apply various amounts of moisturizers and creams in an effort to be softor in the least softer. Just telling them it works validates some part of their being. If sheis that starved for compliments and asks you what part of her if soft just say a common semi-specific part and then touch that common semi-specific part. Examples of common semi-specific part: Arm, Leg, Hair, Cheeks (both of them), or Calf.
Ask questions that allow her to talk for the most amount of time possible. She is interested in herself and the more you ask the right questions that allow her to talk about herself the better. Remember one thing she said about herself during her long rambling monologue and ask about it later. She will think you were listening and cared
Repeat after me: "I guess I never looked at it that way. You are right." You should say this after she has concluded yet another story about how she misses her cats or how she would solved the Arab-Israeli conflict with the color pink.

Female Readers, please leave comments on how would react to each of these things being said to you. Are they Hot or Not?

Male Readers, please try these comments out. I am sure these will rank low on the list of absurd lies you've told her. This reminds me on an interesting story. I was out in Hoboken, New Jersey with a friend of mine and a group of his friends. I started a converation with a girl I was not interested in. Here is the conclusion of that conversation:

Me: Men lie to women all the time.
Girl: Men never lie to me.
Me: You actually think a guy is telling the complete truth when he is trying to pick you up at a bar.
Girl: Why would they lie? I would know if they did.
Me: You know how in the beginning of a movie it will say "Based on a True Story"?
Girl: Yeah.
Me: Well that is like what a guy tells you. Sure it's based on a true story, but its not the truth.
Girl: But there some truth in there, right?
Me: Well, no. I was lying. I've told a ridiculous lie to back up my friend's ridiculous lie.
Girl: You're an asshole.

Law & Order Plot Check List

2006-07-08T23:20:00.000-04:00

For a time I wanted to go into Criminal Law. I imagined life as a DA was accurately depicted on Law & Order. The meager pay was balanced out by the extremely attractive female lawyer who I would work with on every case and the sense of justice that comes with putting people in jail. As a supplement to my law school education, I set my TiVo to record every episode of Law & Order. Just regular Law & Order. The spin offs don't work for me.

Much to my dismay I soon discovered that there was no creative genius behind Law & Order. The show was, in reality, just an check list. Here is the Law & Order Plot Check List to almost every episode:

Murder occurs
Body found and older cop makes sarcastic joke or reflection on society.
Intro Theme
Detectives find clues and follow a lead bringing them to a suspect who runs away only to be apprehended by the younger detective. The older detective catches up and makes some age related remark.
Some confession or piece of vital evidence is found.
The suspect is indicted.
The judge throws out the confession or piece of vital evidence leaving the lawyers' case in shambles.
The lawyers are forced the re-examine the evidence after scolding the detectives in some way for the tossed confession or piece of vital evidence.
The detectives discover a seemingly unimportant fact that replaces the confession or piece of vital evidence and re-establishes the case; thus making up for their previous error.
Courtroom dramatics ensue in some fashion.
Finally, an episode can end in 4 ways:

The once overlooked fact makes is abundantly clears that the defendant is guilty and a plea occurs
After the courtroom dramatics occur the jury returns a Guilty verdict. The defendant is upset but not entirely shocked. He or she is lead away in handcuff much to the dismay of a crying mother or spouse. The lawyers and detectives are quietly smug.
After the courtroom dramatics occur the jury returns a Not Guilty verdict. The defendant is very happy signified by a big smile. He or she hugs his or her mother or spouse. The lawyers are disappointed, but not shocked at the outcome.
Twist Ending - The seemingly unimportant fact leads to the discover of a new obviously guilty suspect who immediately confesses. Or after the Not Guilty verdict the lawyers or detectives look at the evidence in a new light discovering another overlooked suspect is clearly the guilty party. This suspect is arrested and quickly confesses.

I encourage you to watch Law & Order with the Law & Order Plot Check List.

Statistical Notes: Law & Order and the spin offs are on 55 times a week. This means that you have about a 1/3 chance of being able to watch a Law & Order themed show on any given moment.

An Open Letter to Superman

2006-07-06T21:58:00.000-04:00

Dear Superman,

How are things going? Nice job with the whole Lex Luther thing. We all knew you would win in the end. However, that's not why I am writing this letter. I am concerned with your Lois Lane Obsession. You need to get over her. Move on. For heaven's sake, she was the first girl you saw getting off the bus from Smallsville. Maybe you should explore the city a little more before declaring the first girl you saw to be the one. You're Superman. Super-Fucking-Man! You can get any dame in Metropolis and you choose an uppity reporter who wouldn't give Clark Kent the time of day. She isn't even that hot. Have you seen her without make-up? You could do better.

Batman and I think Lois is a gold-digger. Not in the exact way Kanye West put it. She is interested in you for your superpowers instead of your money. Look at how she treats Clark Kent. You think things are going to get better once you open that Pandora's Box by revealing your secret identity? She only likes Superman because he is mysterious and every other girl in Metropolis wants him. Once she has you she will not want you anymore. She only likes what she can not have.

You should go out to the dirtiest of places and pick up some filthy whores. I'm sure if you can stop a speeding bullet the Clap and the HIV aren't going to stand a chance. Herp ain't got shit on you. Super AIDS may be a problem so avoid the Guatemalan hookers.

You need to go to some bars in Gotham with Batman. I've been partying with Bruce. That guy rocks. VIP rooms in Jay Z's 40/40 Club. Johnny Walker Blue was the cheap shit that night. I was doing body shots off Catwoman. For the record, after 2 Long Island Ice Teas she loosens up and actually becomes less of a bitch. Plus, he always picks up the check. Don't feel bad. He's a billionaire with repressed issues. It makes him feel better. And yes, it is weird that he brings that Alfred guy and kid Dick Grayson everywhere. But, why do you have to dwell on the negatives.

See that's your problem; dwelling on the negatives and never looking at the bright side of things. Always needing to save the world from a bank robber or alien invasion. Look, the banks have insurance for that very reason. No one is really losing money but the insurance companies and they can go fuck themselves. Would you rather get some or save the FDIC some petty cash. As for the alien invasion, let Green Lantern or the Flash take care of it. They don't always need your help. And if they do, they'll call you which provides an excellent reason to escape from cuddling ("Listen babe, I gotta go. Green Lantern is calling. He needs my help.").

You should tap that Ex-Girlfriend/Fuck-Buddy in Smallville. What's her name? Lana Lang? I googled her. You know, to make sure the years have been kind. I don't want you to end up at a bar with a duece, duece-and-a-half hearing about her 3rd ex-husband ditching her with her 4th kid which may or may not be his (Maury will let us know). I'm looking out for you Supes. As it turns out she lives in Metropolis and works as a clothing designer and is still smoking hot. You can totally pull this off. Give her an innocent call to catch up on old times. Meet up for dinner, order some fine wine or champagne, and see where things go from there. And spend some money on dinner. You're a top reporter at Metropolis' bestselling newspaper. Don't let this be a repeat of your McDonalds dinner date. How did that end up? No invite up for coffee? I wonder why. Don't argue! I know it's fast and you didn't have much time until the movie began, but you always could have been a little late or caught another movie. And no, letting her supersize it doesn't "make it all good."

You could hit up the Super-Heroine ranks too. Wonder Woman has been talking shit about Lois Lane for years. It's about time you gave her a private tour of your Fortress of Solitude, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Also, Supergirl is Kryptonian. You could hit that. Yes, she may be your cousin, but those records from Krypton are shotty at best being that the planet got destroyed. Besides, you should do it for the good of your nearly extinct people. I am sure she would see it that way too.

My point is that you need to move on. Lois is not worth it. She never was. She only likes you for Superman. You need to find a woman who likes you for Clark Kent.

Take Care Buddy,
Michael Goldberg

P.S.: Hey, you're still going to the JLA Barbeque, right? If you do, bring a date. The excuse that I was too busy saving the world to find a date is getting old. The other superheros are really giving it to you behind your back. They all saved the world and still found time to land a date. I don't see how you don't hear it with the super-hearing. It's getting pretty bad particularly about the tights and the gay rumors surrounding your last movie. Just don't show up alone. Ask that cop Maggie Sawyer. That could be fun. I don't care if you bring that dog-faced secetary. Just bring someone.

Star Jones' Exit from The View

2006-06-30T10:01:00.000-04:00

Recently it thas been announced that Star Jones will be leaving The View. I am not shocked at this announcement and neither should you. You should have seen this coming a mile away.

The following are the series of events that forced Star Jones off The View. The show premiered with four co-hosts: Meredith Vieira, Star Jones, Debbie Matenopoulos, and Barbara Walters. Walters and Joy Behar initially took turns as the fourth co-host, but the group was expanded to 5 to allow both Behar and Walters to appear. In 1997 Matenopoulos left the show being replaced by Lisa Ling. Who in turn left in 2002 replaced by Hasselbeck. Big news happened on April 6th, when Vieira was leaving for the Today Show and Rosie O'Donnell was replacing here.

Theory No. 1: There Can Only be One Fat Friend.

There is a rule among womenfolk. For every group of women there needs to be one fat friend. It's a simple and easy rule.
Women, think of your group of friends. Yes, I am talking about Susan. Oh, I know she has a great personality. I agree, she is hilarious. And when you're feeling real bad because that guy at the gym didn't call you back after you hooked up last weekend she was right there to agree that how men suck and help you finish off that tub of Ben & Jerry's. She is a great person. But Susan is fat. You cheer her on when she tells you about her latest diet, but you really don't want her to succeed. Because deep down you know that every cliche of girls needs the fat one. If you are thinking to yourself "We don't have a fat friend in our group." It's best to put down the spoon and pick up a jump rope. And please wipe what I hope is mayonaise off your second chin.

The View premiered on August 1, 1997 with a robust Star Jones. Producers made it obvious who the fatty of the group was and women liked it. The view made women feel like they were peering into a group of women just like their group of friends.

But there can only be one fat friend. With the announcement of Rosie O'Donnell joining the show it was only a matter of time before Star Jones would be forced out.

Theory No. 2: Women Resent the Friend Who Lost the Weight

Star Jones recently lost half of her body weight. We all said we were happy to see she was healthier, but were we? I say no. I'll make an analogy that every guy can understand (women already know that they don't want their fat friend to be better looking than them). You know that guy friend you have? He is an ugly dude with a talent for ruining the best of times. Well imagine he gets a new hair cut and all of a sudden he has a wicked hot girlfriend, who he is cheating on with another equally if not more smoking dame, and makes at least triple of what you make. Not cool, right? Well that is how the women of The View felt about about Star. She got thinner, found her a man, and was attracting more media attention. This could not stand! So what did the women of The View do? They fired her and talked shit behind her back. Yes, this is the stereotypical highschool girl tactic, but it would have been cooler if they beat her up in the lockerroom before gym class and then gave her a swirly. Good times.

Star Jones' exit should shock no one. I hope The View can easily transition back to providing America with a reason to enjoy an hour long nap from 11:00 to Noon. Remember when Barbara Walters was a respected newswoman with 20/20?

Hands Down Best Professions of All Time

2006-06-29T15:25:00.000-04:00

Bootlegger - Think Great Gasby
King - It's good to be the King
Test Pilot - When has going Mach 10 ever not been cool?
Pirate or Viking - Rape & Pillage
James Bond-esque International Spy - Save the world while sleeping with both the female villain and the Female hero
Conquistador - Find Gold for King Phillip II while conquering the Incan and Mayan Empires. Don't worry. They are the France and Poland of Empires.
Archeologist - Think Indiana Jones. I hate Snakes.
American Revolutionary - Damn Red Coats.
Astronaut - What's not totally awesome about hitting golf balls on the Moon?
Ninja - The world's deadliest assassins. You never know when a ninja will appear until it's too late and there is no way to stop one.
Benevolent Dictator or Enlightened Despot - The people will be free; free to do what you allow. Make sure you don't die in the stables; filthy rumors will start.
Super Bowl MVP - "I'm going to Disney World!" But you don't have to.
Internet Billionaire - Step 1: Create a digital company. Step 2: Create frenzy over you stock despite the fact that none of the buyers knows what your company actually does. Step 3: Get out before the Bubble Bursts. Step 4: Buy Dallas Mavericks. Step 5: Get fined by the NBA.
Fictional Billionaire - You could invite Scrooge McDuck to swim in your money bin. It won't be as big as his, but few are.
Regular Billionaire - Pesky Incomes Tax. Jokes on them, I'm stepping down and giving $37 Billion to the poor!
Zach Braff - At 31, this man has hooked up with some of the hottest celebrities. It's an impressive resume.
Pimp - "Where's my money at? Don't make me choke a bitch"
CTU Agent - There is a lot of down time, but the job can be demanding on some days.
Talk Show Host - You can be Oprah (control half the population), Jerry Springer (have half the population of Alabama as past guests), or Conan O'Brien (interview half the population of Hollywood).
College Professor - How much work did he really do and how much did the TA do?

Hands Down Worst Professions of All Time

2006-06-29T12:07:00.000-04:00

Rapper Body Guard - You're going to get shot.
Serf, Vassel, or Fife - Wake up. Til the land. Pay lord. Church. Sleep. Repeat until the afterlife. Which will hopefully be better only if you are predestined for heaven.
Test Pilot - There is nothing cool about a Mach 10 nose drive into the ground.
Pegboy - Look it up. It's not pleasant.
Evil Villian Henchman - You're going to die a meaningless death unless you are the main henchman, then you will die a meaningless more painful death.
People Conquered by the Europeans - Yes, we are sorry you died. We truly are. Still it sucked to fight a valiant battle only to lose to diseases you are not immune to. Just like in the move War of the Worlds. What a bad movie.
Day Laborer - Paco, here is $20 for your hard days work. You earned it.
Hessian - You are a paid German Mercenary. Unfortunately, you lost. Big time. Go George Washington! USA! USA! USA!
Rocket Ship Test Pilot Monkey - There is a reason they use monkeys. They don't expect them to come back nor care if they do. There will be no parade for Bobo.
Telemarketer - The world's easiest ignored callers. You know when they are calling and can easily stop them by signing up for a government list.
The Horse & the Guy Who Found Her- If you get the theme of this list you're laughing now.
Third String Quarterback - Sure you're on the roster, but are you really on the team?
Guy who didn't sell His Internet Stock before 2001 - The Bubble Burst and you lost.
Lady Shoe Salesman - Al Bundy, we all wish you well in life.
The Homeless - Bum: Got any spare change? Fletcher: Yes! Bum: Well, could ya spare some?No! Bum: Well, why not? Flethcer: Because I believe you will buy booze with it! I just want to get from my car to the office without being confronted by the decay of western society!... Plus I'm cheap! ahh!
Corey Feldman - Yeah, that sucks.
Whore - Being slapped by a pimp even if you give him all the money is not fun.
Terrorist - Jack Bauer always wins. Always. Your days are numbered. Rather, your day is numbered on screen in ticking seconds.
Jerry Springer Guest - Southerns make the rest of use feel better even on a bad day. Not Canadians. They suck.
TA - We know who really does all the work. I give you credit even though you didn't give me extra credit when I had an 89.45. You wouldn't bump me up to an A-. Fuck this and fuck you Phillip Stalley! I hate the TA's. I showed up on Fridays at 8am for your American Political Science Discussion and you this is what I get. Yeah, I know you slept with the hot blonde in the class even though its frowned upon, but I'll have you know she was banging sone one else. Some one else with Hep C. I hope you've gotten use to the burning during urination over the last 6 years.

National Take Your Dog to Work Day

2006-06-23T16:47:00.000-04:00

Today is National Take your Dog to Work Day. (Yes, it does actually exist. I googled it.) This pseudo-holiday is an actual event with an assortment of easily purchased cards and posters to go along with it. And, perhaps best of all, a Song.

Normally I would not know about (nor care about) National Take your Dog to Work Day, but today the Head Partner (his name appears on the sign outside) at the firm, which I am a Summer Associate, brought in his dog today. All morning "Bark" "Bark" "Bark." I wondered to myself, "How is he getting work done in there with his dog?"

My answer would quickly appears as minutes later my boss comes into the Library that serves as an office for me and the other Summer Associate. Here is our little conversation:

Head Partner: [appearing in door with dog] Hey guys, How are you doing?
Other Summer Associate: Fine.
HP: That's great. You guys may know that it's National Take your Dog to Work Day. So my wife thought it would be a good
idea to bring my dog into the office. [long Bill Lumbergh pause]. Right. Well, I can't get any work done with my dog here. So, I need you guys to watch it.
[My boss then proceeds to let the dog loose in the library]
HP: You guys should close the doors. We don't want him running around the office.

So here I am right now; sitting in the library doing work that a above average literate 4th grader could handle with an overactive Shi-Tzu.

"Bark" "Bark" "Bark" I want it to die.

I think there are similarities between National Take Your Dog to Work Day and Take Your Daughter to Work Day. You bring something you love to work. All it does is prevent you from working by distracting you either by barking or wondering what's for lunch. Odds are it will never want to come back once it realizes how awful work truly is. Maybe Your Daughter to Work Day was established as a conspiracy to stop feminization by showing the young women of America how much work sucks.

The dog is looking at me. I hope they are right when they say animals can sense things. I hope it can sense that I want it to run into oncoming traffic. Or maybe get sucked into a street cleaner. Either way, I want it gone.

4:47 pm Update: The work day has 13 minutes left. The head boss has left for the day. However, he has forgotten the dog. Maybe on purpose. If I cared about this job, I might go so far as to bring it to his house (maybe assuring me an offer). But, as previously discussed, I don't care about this job. I am going to pawn it off on one of the just hired attorneys. They will do anything to make partner. There is one here who waters the boss's garden. I wish I were here during the winter to see if she would shovel his drive way too. Okay, screw the dog. It looks like National Take Your Dog to Work Day will be extended until Monday.

I am coming in late so I wont need to clean up after it.

The Association to Bring Back the High Five

2006-06-21T10:41:00.000-04:00

I am starting a new club. The club's name is The Association to Bring Back the High-Five ABBHF, pronounced A Double-B H F). The ABBHF's sole goal is to bring back the High-Five. You want in?

In the 1980's the High-Five ruled the hand gesture world. At one point the High-Five even temporarily replaced the handshake in corporate atmospheres. But the decline of WHAM! was coupled with the decline of the High-Five. It was no longer cool to High-Five your buddy in celebration of your matching Flock-of-Seagulls hair styles. The High-Five reached it low point in 1992 when Eddie Murphy was found using it to pick up a transgender prostitute named Shalimar.

It was over for the High-Five. Popular sports figures chose to use the "Fist Pounded" after scoring a touchdown or hitting a walk off home run. The once great celebratory hand gesture was asked to leave the cool gestures lunch table by the contemptible gesture twins, "Hook 'em Horns" and "Rock Out." Even the High-Five's BFF, the "Middle Finger," turning its back on the High-Five revealing an uglier side. Distraught, the High-Five had no other option but to sit at the nerd table joining the ranks of the "Bang Bang" gesture, the "Fig Sign," and the "Loser" sign.

The High-Five would not be beaten. The "Shaka," who knew what the High-Five was going through, helped the High-Five gain his confidence back. Now it is up to us, the people, to restore the the High-Five to its former glory!

The ABBHF's main goal is to give the High-Five a Thumbs-Up again by following a simple set of social instructions. The Official ABBHF Instructions are as follows:

High-Five friends and love ones at all times.
When a colleague attempts to use another gesture, force the High-Five instead. It is acceptable to use the less popular Low-Five or the Middle-Five in this situation.
Make others aware that you are proudly using the High-Five by saying "High-Five" while High-Fiving someone.
Use the High-Five for not only Celebration.*
Encourage others to use the High-Five.

*(Note: The High-Five is a versatile hand gesture. The Mourning High-Five can be used at furnerals. The I Missed You High-Five can be used when greeting someone at an airport. ABBHF members can freely invent their own High-Fives)

Members of the ABBHF will signify their membership by posting "ABBHF Member" or "Member of the ABBHF" in an online profile (AIM, Facebook, or MySpace). Join the ABBHF Group on Facebook. Join the Group on MySpace ( http://groups.myspace.com/ABBHF).

And remember our proud Motto: "High-Five the World." Stand strong and High-Five proudly!

The Carrot and The Stick

2006-06-16T11:31:00.000-04:00

The principle of The Carrot and The Stick is an old one. Back in the day, you have two ways of motivating your donkey:

You could reward its good behavior with a treat, i.e. a carrot.
You could punish its bad behavior by hurting it, i.e. with a stick.

This principle of motivation is key to getting your way by making people do things. Think about it. Yeah, the same principle that makes a Donkey pull a plow guides your decision making.

However, this does not apply at my summer job. There is no carrot. There is no stick. I am planning on taking a half day today. In the real world I would have to go into my direct boss's office and tell him (in reality asking him) that I was taking a half day. I may make up some bullshit excuse (I told a co-worker I had a doctor's appointment so if anyone comes looking for me he can inform them of my lie) preventing him from denying my half day. But this is not the real world. This is my bullshit summer job. I am just going to leave at 1.

Here is how it works. In between your 2L and 3L years of law school you get a job as a summer associate. You work at a firm and if they like you, they reward you (The Carrot) by giving you an offer (Offer - Offering a position on the lowest rung of the law firm pecking order. Don't worry you are still better than the secretaries and paralegals. They aren't real people or, at least, shouldn't be treated as such). Basically it's a summer long interview. For further information please consult Anonymous Lawyer and Barely Legal Blogs.

I work at an anti-social firm. It sucks here. I would never accept the offer. Sure, I would say accept it because I would use it as Plan B. It's kind of like when a 4 asks you to the Prom. You say yes, but say that you are unsure now and would get back to them. You do this in the hopes that an 8 or better becomes available. It's the same concept with firms. The Carrot is gone.

Now in the real world the punishment or threat of punishment is demotion or being fired. I am a summer associate. I am the lowest position at the firm. I can't be demoted. They can not make me a paralegal or secretary non-person. I am already a person to the lawyers. It doesn't work that way. The job is too short to actually fire me. It's easier for them to put up with me for 3 months. The Stick is gone.

I don't care anymore. I am leaving early.

The "How are you doing?" Response Rule

2006-06-06T10:23:00.000-04:00

The question "How are you doing?" has caught my attention today. Usually when someone says hello I respond by saying hello, hi, or an equivalent I respond in some fashion. It's just the polite thing to do. Recently, I have been using the Metro New York Area greeting popularized recently by The Sopranos: "How are you doing?" It makes me look tough yet sort of interested in how the person is doing. But honestly my intentions are far from the latter. Unfortunately, there are still some (especially in the office setting) who do not understand how to properly answer this question; therefore, the following is a set of rules on responding to the question "How are you doing?"

When I ask "How are you doing?" I don't care about your life. If you were to die tomorrow the only significant impact on my life would be the cake in the lunchroom and the important lesson on seatbelt safety. I already know about seatbelt safety. It's been ingrained in me since elementary school and I wouldn't eat the cake because most likely it is a horrible tasting cake bought in you honor because you like Rice Pudding and Bananas. You will be last remembered by me as some one who likes shitty cake and can't follow simple traffic laws.

The response to the question "How are you doing?" can be nothing, a short response with no actual meaning, or a bad joke (but since it is in the office setting both parties need to give the courtesy laugh). If the person actually wants to know about how you are really doing, he or she will ask a more specific question like :

"How are you feeling?"
"What's wrong? You can always tell me."
"How are you really doing?"
"Anything bothering you, dear?"
"How are you doing, hon?"

Notice in the last question the addition of the cordaliality "hon" used mostly by females and gay guys. This ending nicety is added as a sign of concern. Groups using this add-on are the except to the "How are you doing?" Response Rule. They actually care how you are doing.

Here are a list a of pre-approved responses to "How are you doing?"

No Response - always acceptable, because the party who asked "How are you doing?" doesn't really care so won't be listening to a response anyway
"Fine" -or- "Just Fine" - Simple and Effective
"Okay" - just a quick response to an Okay day
"Well" - things are going well, but I won't bore you with the details unless you ask.
A short description of what you are currently doing. i.e. "Thinking about getting lunch" or "Getting a paper clip."
"Better than Britney Spears" - Pop Culture references in the form of bad jokes are acceptable answers as long as they refer to something in last week's news or some well known event or personality. As such "Better than Otto von Bismarck after Emperor Wilhelm II forced him to resign" is not acceptable while "Higher than Willie Nelson" is.
"Case of the Mondays" - References to certain movies are more than acceptable answers. Acceptable movies are, but not limited to: Dumb & Dumber, Office Space, Zoolander, Wedding Crashers, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy, Any Mel Brooks Movie, Happy Gilmore or Billy Madison (Not Big Daddy), Swingers, or Old School. The list is not complete. Sports references are also allowed.

Responses to avoid:

"Good, but the wife and kids are blah blah blah..." - No one cares about your wife and kids unless your wife is hot and you are getting a divorce. You kids are not as cute or as smart as you think they are. Most likely they are just like every other stupid kid or even stupider.
"Well, I couldn't get to sleep last night because the cats were..." Listen you old spinster, no one will ever want to hear a sentence revolving around your cats until the day comes when you finally kick the bucket and an office rumor starts that when they found your decaying corpse after a week the cats had eaten half of it. No one care about you or your wasted life.
"How are YOU doing?" - This is recycled joke from an old Budweiser commercial. It was funny for about 1 month after the commercial aired. Now it is only being used by that guy in the office who isn't funny but desperately wants to be. I hate him because he ruins my jokes by taking credit for the joke if it was funny or inaccurately repeating them and then telling everyone it was his joke so don't blame him if it offended you. This guy is an ass. I hate him. If you are reading this blog and are thinking "I am not that guy. I don't screw up the jokes" or "I am not that guy. I just wanted to share his funny jokes with everyone. What's wrong with that?" you are that guy and I hate you. Take a bath with a toaster.

The other exception to the "How are you doing?" Response Rule is when you have an actual question or concern for the person asking the question. Here are three examples:

Boss and Employee

Boss: How are you doing?
Employee: Fine, but I had a question about today's TPS Report.

Two Friends

Friend 1: How are you doing?
Friend 2: Fine, but what was with you last night?
Friend 1: What doe you mean? I blacked out.
Friend 2: Not only did you hook up with that whale of what I hope was a
woman, but you ran around the room with her giant panties to prove it.
Check your pocket. They're probably still there.
Friend 1: [checks pocket] Oh man...

Story Time

Guy 1: How are you doing?
Guy 2: Okay.
Guy 3: Fine, but last night I went drinking with Jill from Accounts
Payable and, well, check out what she did to my back. [lifts up shirt to reveal
back]
Guy 1&2: No fucking way!

Notice how the "How are you doing?" is answered quickly and then another more interesting topic is brought up.

Simple rules for a simple question. Please follow them.

The Secretary at my Office

2006-06-02T22:50:00.000-04:00

There is a secretary at my office who is getting married in a few weeks. I wouldn't usually care that some guy is ending his life, but this is the secretary I need to deal with on a daily basis.

On a side note, I need to give her credit for finding a man and convincing him to ask her to marry her (I personally don't think she is brave enough to pull a Sadie Hawkens move). It's not that she is an unattractive or overly annoying person, but she is a nothing. She is a 5 out of 10. She is white space. She is emptiness. She has no stand out attractive features. Her personality has developed in a way to attract as little attention as possible without being considered shy. She is easily unnoticed. I am sure that she would have gone unknown to me if I didn't have to submit my work to her. There is nothing better than giving your work to be reviewed by some one who has achieved little else in her life, but job security.

Back to marriage. I will never voluntarily talk to this secretary. Conversations with her are a struggle to say the most sterilized comments that conservation of air might give a reason for her comments to be left unsaid. When introduced to her my direct boss made a point to trap me with her until he "finished something in his office." I know this was a lie. He knew how truly nothing she was and wanted me to learn what a non-person this secretary was. She was destined to be that librarian who worked in your local library when you were a kid in elementary school doing a report on cheese. She didn't help you she was just there. Then you show up to the library after you come back from college and she is still there just older having accomplished nothing in her life still wearing the old librarian sweater just a differently faded color. You would say she lost the will to live but that would imply that she once had a will to live and that she is at one point was living. Here is our first conversation (it is, for all intents and purposes, the same conversation we have had ever time I meet her):

Me: Hi, my name is Mike. I am the new summer associate.
Her: That's nice.
Me: John says I will be working with you.
Her: Yes.
Me: Nice to me you...
Her: Yes.

She didn't even tell me her name. I don't know if she was too scared or just didn't want to throw it out there brazenly without a care to the world or the harm it could do. I only found out what her name was when I received and equally vapid memo from her telling me to correct a typo that I had pointed out to her. Written at the bottom of the memo was her name, rather, her future names.

Mrs. Barbara Smith
Barbara Smith-Jones
Mrs. Barbara Jones
Mrs. John Smith
Mr. & Mrs. John Smith

Her own name didn't stand out and she found a man whose name didn't stand out either. That's like switching from Plain to Vanilla. Who does that?

So there I am staring at a memo telling me to correct a typo I had spotted and pointed out to her just moments ago with her practice signatures on it. I don't hate her. She needs to represent something or be something for me to hate that about her. She is nothing, but her fiance is something. He is the person that enabled her to write her new names on the memo. I hate him. That makes me glad he is marrying her. A life of nothingness awaits.

The Spelling Bee

2006-06-02T15:39:00.000-04:00

A few days ago Katharine Close, an eighth-grader at the H.W. Mountz School in Spring Lake, New Jersey, won the Scripps National Spelling Bee with the word Ursprache (U-R-S-P-R-A-C-H-E).
Ur·spra·che - n. A language that is the recorded or hypothetical ancestor of another language or group of languages.
In an age when people's jobs are being replaced by computers, this goes to show you man's ability to tell the computer that he (or specifically she in this case) can go bootot up some where else. Not everyone relies on your precious Spell Check or Grammar Check. Some of us know there is no E in Judgment or the differnce (spell check difference) between Affect and Effect.

Movies, like The Matrix and The Terminator, try to scare us by portraying a not to distant future world were man has place too much reliance on machine to do his bidding. The machines eventually rebel and ouheroesos is left asking "Why did we those damn Machines take over?" while fighting off a bevy of robots muttering "Must kill human."

So I salute you Katharine Close. You have put Machines back in their place holding off the eventual bloody overthrow of the human race.

On a side note, Finola Mei Hwa Hackett, a 14-year-old Canadian, placed second reminding us that the United States will always be better than Canada. Always. Stay in your place as No. 2. Don't worry you are way ahead of Mexico. Canada sucks, but it sucks to be Mexico.

To My Fans

2006-06-01T10:58:00.000-04:00

Many people have voiced concerns regarding the ramifications of having a Blog. Posts about hooking up, advice on covering up mistakes, and introducing new terms & phrases may come back to haunt me. It's all a matter of time before some employer or parent-like figure stumbled upon my blog ending in disastrous consequences.

For the past month or so (since I received over 50,000 hits), I have been mulling over what to do (This is why I haven't posted anything new). I want some degree of anonymity, but then I realized my name is Michael Goldberg. My parents lack all sense of creativity and just went with the most common name so no one could question their decision. When it came to picking my name they followed the crowd.

Popular Boys names of the 1980's
1. Michael
2. Jason
3. Christopher
4. David
5. James
6. Matthew
7. John
8. Joshua
9. Robert
10. Daniel

America doesn't look to become more creative in the 1990's:

Popular Boys names of the 1990's
1. Michael
2. Christopher
3. Joshua
4. Matthew
5. David
6. Daniel
7. Andrew
8. Joseph
9. Justin
10. James

Perhaps people in the 70's were a little less keen on the name Michael. Apparently not.

Popular Boys names of the 1970's
1. Michael
2. David
3. John
4. James
5. Robert
6. Christopher
7. William
8. Mark
9. Richard
10. Brian

In fact we have to go back to the 1960's when Michael was the Second most popular name. In the 50's it was the fifth. In the 40's Michael wasn't in the top 10, holding it down at 16.

The 30's brought us the depression and Michael wasn't in the top 40. It appears names like Harold (No. 14), Walter (No.19), Clarence (No. 36), and Ernest (No. 39) were all the rage in the WPA and NRA Work Projects. Michael was ranked No. 35.

The name Michael was far from the minds of Flappers regretting that one night tryst with the local bootlegger (Just for the record, Bootlegger is one of Histories Top 10 Jobs among others like Viking/Pirate or King). She was more likely to consider Donald (No. 10) or Frank (No. 12). Michael was ranked at No. 49 just beating out Melvin (No. 50).

The Bull-Moose Party and President Wilson's stroke were more likely to inspire the names of Albert (No. 18), Roy (No. 32), Elmer (No. 55), the Letter "J" (No. 57), and Cecil (No. 71). Michael was No. 39.

The turn of the century would place the name Michael at No. 39 again. It looks like all the cool kids were named Ernest (No. 26), Earl (No. 27), or Francais (No. 37). Curiously enough Letters as names seemed to be all the rage: J at 35, W at 61, C at 75, A at 83, R at 92, E at 94, and H at 97. I am surprised the hillibilies didn't resort to giving their kids numbers as names. After all, what makes them think name R better than the name 4? 4 was Lou Gehrig's number. Any kid would have loved to be named 4 compared to W.
Source: ThinkBabyNames.com

Back to my original point of this entire posting. My name is common enough to reveal two things. My parents are uncreative and I am a Jew. On Facebook there are 43 Michael Goldbergs. There are over 300 Michael Goldbergs on PeoplePages.com. Google retrieves about 208,000 search results for "Michael Goldberg." My semi-anonymity is preserved.

Banging the Queen

2006-04-17T00:37:00.000-04:00

Banging the Queen - Hooking up with a person solely for the story.

OK, this is a phrase I am desperately trying to popularize. We have all been in the situation where there is no way you would regularly ever kiss, let alone have sex with. But, as soon as you hear something about that person, you are willing to do the horizontal tango with them.

The origin of the phrase "Bang the Queen" references the Queen Elizabeth II of England (pictured to the right). Now, there is no way any rationale man (or lesbian) would want to have sexual intercourse with that women. Look at her! Picture her naked. All wrinkly and sagging. Oh it's just plain nasty. Time has ravaged her once attractive, though inbred, body. However, upon learning that she is the Queen of England, she becomes instantly worth sleeping with. Why? Because you could tell people who you just banged.

I'll give you an example of what a "Bang the Queen" conversation the next day would sound like between you and your Buddy:

You: What's up, Buddy?
Buddy: Nothing. Where were you last night? I called you, but you didn't pick up your phone.
You: I was banging that chick with no legs
Buddy: You bang that chick in the wheelchair?
You: Yeah.
Buddy: Nice man. She is hot. No legs though, but still hot. Great Story.

If that story doesn't entertain your friends, you need better friends.

"Banging the Queen" can be applied by chicks as well. For them it's called "Porking the Prince." this is an obvious reference to Price Charles of England (Pictured to the left. Look at those British teeth!). I am sure there is a better example of an famous ugly male, but I use Prince Charles in keeping with the Royalty of England motif.

Some may say that this "Banging the Queen" concept is offensive or degrading to women. Both this accusations are unfounded and ridiculous. First, as pointed out earlier, women have a equal place in that concept ("Porking the Prince"). Just ask every women who slept with Patrick Ewing or the Washington Wizard's Popeye Jones. Yeah, maybe it was a little for the money, but they can still tell all their girls who they were with last night.

"Banging the Queen" stories are great. Imagine telling your grandchildren that you sleep with (of course, before you met grandma) the 43rd President's twin daughters (Jenna and Barbara) at a Texas Chili Bowl Gang Bang. Now that is a story you would be proud of.

The YMCA

2006-04-12T20:16:00.000-04:00

I have been making a point of going to the YMCA 6 days a week (New Years Resolution). I have been very good at it too. Due to my schedule, there are 3 times of the day when I usually end up going: the Morning, Noon (after lunch), and just before the YMCA closes. Regardless of the time I go there are 4 types of people there with subdivsions of those groups at the YMCA. The groups are as follows:

Old People ( Old Men & Old Ladies)
Midlife Crisis Women (MILFs and Non-MILFs)
High Schoolers (Dudes and Jail Bait)
People like me (20-somethings in school & YUPPIES)

I have interactions with each of the groups and these are my stories. All these stories are absolutely true.

Group 1: Old People

Disclaimer: I am not a homophobe in any way. Specifically, I do not mind gay guys or their lifestyle in anyway. Let them marry for all I care. I also am in full support of Gay Divorce Court on UPN. Saying that, I avoid seeing naked men at all costs. The Female body is a work of art. Soft and with nice curves. It's nice to look at. The Male body is frankly unpleasent to look at. It was made with form over function. There are few exceptions. I can appriciate Michelangelo's David. But let's face it, the male body just isn't kind on the eyes. I've said it once and I'll say it again; I don't understand why there aren't more lesbians. If I was a girl, I would be a lesbain. This brings me to the first and most numerous group: Old People.

Old people are a constant at the YMCA like fat people at an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet after they've given up on that pesky diet. It's like a retirement communities of Florida during the annual shuffleboard-bingo tornament. Despite the rumors of old people waking up early and going to bed earlier, they are at the YMCA at all times of the day. Old people are not a problem in the gym area. They usually stay in packs around the Exercise Bikes talking about Matlock and what the Uppity Youths in the area are wearing while using 1950's slang (e.i. Rube, The Whig Party, Flappers, the virtues of McKinley-nomics, etc.).
The problem with Old People is in the Lockerrooms. I use the Men's Lockerroom, so the Old Men are the bain of the YMCA Men's Lockeroom. Old Men love to walk around naked. They love it. Time has withered their bodies into wrinkly messes and they want to show it off. I have never stared at more ceilings than in the YMCA locker room. It's so bad that the YMCA as forced to build 2 seperate Male Lockerrooms (Boy's (17 and younger) and Men's (18 and over)) to shield younger members from the bevy of naked old men. Here are my tales of the Men's Lockerroom:

The Sauna: Sometimes when I have time after I workout I spend some time in the Sauna. For all those who do not know what the sauna looks like at the Madison YMCA, it is a small rectangular room comfortable sitting 4 people on an "L" shapped bench (2 to the left of the door, 1 to the right of the door, and 1 directly facing the glass door). So, there I am walking towards the sauna with my towel on (towels are something the Old Men do not use. They like to air dry). I turn the corner and reach for the handle of the glass door and there an Old Man is, spread eagle in all his aged glory sitting in front of the door. Fantastic. I take the seat furtherest from the Old Man on the bottom of the "L," turn on my iPod, and close my eyes with my towel still on. The Old Man leaves within a minute. I relax in the solitary of the sauna for about 5 minutes until another Old Man comes in the sauna as naked at the day he came into the world all those years ago. He sees me sitting on the bottom of the "L" bench, he considers this an oppurtunity to lay on the long part of the "L" bench allowing him to hang out in all his majesty. At this point I left the sauna. It's just wasn't worth it.

Tying my Shoe: I was tying my shoe one day about to go work out in the gym when a naked old man walks into my row of lockers. Instead of walking to the other side of the bench he comes right next to be and decides to start a conversation. "Hello," he says and I look towards this person talking to me. Now mind you, he is standing and I am kneeling tying my shoes. I was face to face with the beast. I reacted by backing away and saying I was "Sorry." He told me it was ok at which point he took his right foot and placed it on the bench. He was completely exposing himself on purpose. This is the game the Old Men play on others in the lockerroom. Other Old Men are immune to this but everyone else hates it. "I am glad to see younger men at the Y. Keeps the place looking young," the Old Man said as I was counting the tiles on the ceiling. I said "Thank you" for no apparent reason and ran out of the lockerroom. Old Men love to fuck with you.

Trapped: I walk into the lockerroom and place my gym bag on top of row of lockers. I avoid the Naked Old Men and go to the vacant row; usually there is one. After working out I return to the lockerroom to pick up my gym bag and go home. Unfortunately, the once empty row is inhabited by a gaggle of Air-Drying Naked Old men conversing about how things are so quick now-a-days and how the today's youth should slow down especially when driving. I can't get to my gym bag. So I quickly say excuse me noticing the dead bugs on the ceiling lights. Now, I am in a hurry. I just want to get my bag and get the fuck out of there. "Excuse Me," I meekly mutter. The Naked Old Men stared and shuffled a little, but there was still no path for me to get through. So I slink my way the maze of old man to get my bag desperately avoiding contact. I got my bag and made my way out again. As a precaution I washed my shorts in case there was some incidential contact.

The Man in the Wheel Chair: I worked out in the morning and had little to shower and get to my class on time. I undress and get into a towel and walk towards the shower. However, there was a hunched over Naked Old Man in a wheelchair blocking the door. (Pause now to picture this. Yeah, it was nasty) Concern somehow overcame my mortification. I thought this man was dead. Suddenly his left leg twitched a little. He was alive. But now the problem was that he was blocking the way. The handles on the wheelchair were facing the other way. I racked my brain. How do i get him out of the was? There was no way to move him without talking or touching him. These two options were out of the question. If I spoke with him I would have to hear about stuff and help him do things. If I touched him I might catch his OLD (That smell that old people have. You know that smell). So I waited. I watched the clock while precious time ticked away. More naked old men were appearing around me. I needed to get out of there, but I could not go to school without showering. It would be rude and possibly damaging to my fragile reputation to subject my fellow students to post-gym B.O. Time was running out. Suddenly another Naked Old Man walked out of the shower area and moved the Naked Old Man in the wheelchair. I was free! I showered and went to class.

Because I use the Men's Lockerroom, I have no had problems with Old Ladies in the lockerrom, but I have heard they offend just as much as the Old Men. If you think that can't be that bad, it's like a tube sock full of quarters. Not pretty, not pretty at all. I do have one story reagrding Old Ladies.

On the Treadmill, pt. 1: On somedays I run on the treadmill for 30 mins at a time. Those who run on treadmills know that this is the most boring time spent at the gym. Even an iPod can only minorly reduce the monotany. After 5 minutes your eyes begin to wander. You look at who is running next to you, who is running to the otherside, and finally what is in front of you. By the very nature of running, you end up looking at whatever is in front of you. At the Madison YMCA the Stair-Masters are in front of the treadmills. On this particular day an Old Lady was using the Stair-Master. This garganchuan woman's derrière would make Sir Mix-A-Lot reconsider his infamous song. I pitied that treadmill. For the remaining 25 minutes I desperately starred at anywhere but foward, but this is an impossible task on a treadmill. I was saved when the tank of a woman left.

To conclude, Old People are the worst part of the YMCA. I hate the Naked Old Men.

Group 2: Midlife Crisis Women
Another group of fellow YMCA members are the Midlife Crisis Women. These women come in two forms: The MILFs and Non-MILFs. In the Upper Middle Class area of Madison, many of the women are housewives and have time to work out. It makes them feel better (self esteem is important) and it makes them healthier. Their main goal appears to regain their high school or college bodies. An admirable goal if there ever is one. The MILFs are the women who either have always had a hot body and want to keep it that way. They know they are the hot mom and love it that way despite possible uncomfortableness of their sons. MILFs crave attention from the men at the gym. Basically, these moms are hot and know it. My one noteworthy interaction is as follows:

Boucing on the Physioball: I was doing crunches on a physioball when a MILF walked in front of me and began streching. She was doing a hamstring stretch that shows off her prized ass. Now keep in mind this is a woman who likes to point out that she has had 2 kids and still has a great ass. As I am almost done she accidently falls backwards and onto my physioball and bounces right back up. She turns around, smiles, and says, "Oh, I'm sorry. My husband would be angry if he knew that just happened." She then skips away after the 30 seconds of stretching.

The Non-MILFs differ from the MILFs not only in attractiveness, but group habits. The MILF is a lone hunter. She works alone. The Non-MILFs are pack animals. They hang out in groups chatting about nothing but talking nevertheless. These women want to be the MILFs and are working out. I have no interaction with the Non-MILFs purely because they behave like chipmonks. As such, I do not have any noteworthy stories about the Non-MILFs.

Group 3: High Schoolers (Dudes and Jail Bait)
This group only appears at the YMCA in the hours after 3:00pm and on weekends. The Dudes only hang out near the free weights in a vain attempt to appear macho. They lift too heavy weights doing exercises that seemingly have no real benefit. Their sole purpose is to get bigger, but they have no clue how to do it. These guys should seek outside knowledge to learn how to do exercises, but they refuse to because it may look girly. My one interesting interaction with a Dude was watching him drop a 50 lb. weight on his foot and proceed to walk it off.
The female highschoolers are referred to as Jail Bait because if you touch them you go to jail. Simple enough. These girls are future MILFs. They appear to be the female meber of the much vaunted People Like Me but don't be fooled. Which brings me to my story.

Don't be Fooled: I had just escaped from the myriad of Naked Old Men in the lockerroom into the gym and I saw a hot girl! This almost never happens in the YMCA. As I approached to grasp this momentious from a closer vantage point (I didn't have my contact on). As I came closer to her I realized she was at most 16. I slinked away while noticing one of the Dudes lifting a weight to impress this girl

Needless to say, jailbait at the gym is a landmine that should be avoided at all costs.

Group 4: People like me (20-somethings in school & YUPPIES)
This group is the rarest of them all. No doubt scared away by the Old People. Most 20-somethings in school & YUPPIES do not live in the area or have other gyms. 20-somethings in school have school gyms. YUPPIES would rather join commercial gyms like NY Sports Club or Golds in an effort to meet people their age. It is this group that is involved in two noteworthy stories:

Stretching: I was stretching on the matt when a 20-something sat next to be on the matt. She was wearing the classic uniform of the female member of this group: a tight shirt or tanktop and short shorts with the waist folded over. As she began to stretch it became quite evident that she was not wearing anything under her short shorts. Now, I wasn't directly staring at her. There was a mirror. I saw the reflection. As she continued to stretch I didn't know what to do. I thought it rude to stare and, thus, stopped looking at the mirror. But, should I say something? Would she thank me? or be offended? Quite the Comnumdrum. I stretched and thought some more. Choices. What should I do? Fortunately, I was saved. The my overexposed matt partner had gotten up. I described the scenario to many female friends and the concensus was that I should have not said a thing.

On the Treadmill, pt. 2: Once more I found myself running on the treadmill staring at whoever was on the Stair Master in front of me. But, as luck would have it, there was a female 20-something. From my perspective she was hot. She worked out at the gym and had the body to prove it. I might approach this girl. While I thought of a clever conversation starter (I couldn't talk about the Naked Old Men in the lockerroom. Could I?) she got off the Stair Master and turned around. She had a face that would make Ray Charles flinch. Fell of the ugly tree and hit all those branches. Before me was the archetype of the Butter Face (See previous posting). The superficial side of me won out at first. Nevertheless, as I finished my 30 minutes on the treatmill my rationale side took over. "I shouldn't judge people on how they look," I thought. After all, this girl could be the one. Who am I to overlook anyone based on a minor flaw in an otherwise great body. Besides ugly girls put out faster and this one had a smoking body. As I approached her, the fundamental rule of Supply and Demand kicked in. This girl was the only girl in the gym who wasn't married or jail bait. Less descriminating men were hitting on her. No wonder she comes to the Madison YMCA. Here she is a beauty queen.

Those are the 4 groups at the Madison YMCA. Until I move out of the area I have no choice but to endure their presence.

My Hey Buddy

2006-02-08T10:49:00.000-05:00

Hey Buddy - Noun: a person whom with your entire relationship consists of general greetings when you see each other.

My Hey Buddy is a girl I met last semester in the library. Last semester by some odd twist of fate, this really cute girl sits at my table opposite me. Now this is a role reversal. Usually if there are no empty tables avialible and not friends in sight I sit next near a girl possessing qualities a superfiacial man would treasure. But, this time one sat next to me.

It was my lucky day. An attractive girl has just choosen to sit at my table. I can not screw up or waste my oppurtunity. So i took the first step and started the conversation. We spoke about law school and how much it blows. Now to an outsider this may appear to be a completely worthless conversation, but you forget the cardinal rule of engaging in conversation with a female: ask the right questions to allow her to talk for the longest time possible. So I asked how her first year as coming along. She told me. I asked how she was handling the reading. She told me. It was going great. I hadn't screwed it up. But, alas, I had a class to go to. So we exchanged names, i bid her farewell, and went to class.

A week later our current relationship began. I saw here in passing and said "Hey." She responded in like.

Unfortunately, I saw her next intertwined with a new boyfriend sitting on a bench. I said "Hey." She responded in like. By then I had forgotten her name (and I didn't care) and there is no doubt she has no clue as to mine. So we continue with out awkward Hey's.

I am glad my Hey Buddy is an attractive girl so when people ask me if I know her I can confidently say "Yes I do."

Google, What are You Trying to Tell Me?

2006-02-01T19:11:00.000-05:00

I don't think Google thinks much of my Blog. This picture towards the left is the Ads by Google bar that usually appears on the right side of my Blog. The Ads by Google bar claims to look at the words of my Blog and post ads that correlate with those words and would attract my readership. So what are the words of my blog that would correlate to this bar? Let's examine.

The oldest posting currently appearing on my Blog is about my $100 adventure in Hoboken on Halloween. Having an attractive member of the opposite sex go from about to hook up with you to passed out on the couch in a pool of her own urine is no reason to kill myself. I am sure the mystery girl wishes she was dead when she realize what she had carelessly done, but I do believe she will choose to forget the night as a whole rather then ending it all.

The next post is about My Life if I dropped out of law school. Now this is where the Ads by Google bar may have a valid point. "I am going to drown myself in readings!" or "I wish I was dead, then I would not have to do this 35 page Gressman paper!" or "After the Con Law Exam I am going to drink myself to death" are utterance frequently heard in the halls of law school. To my fellow student, please consult the Ads by Google bar if you find yourself saying such sentences all too often.

The following posting is about Post Exam Chatter. After you exams are over suicide is the farthest thing from your mind. Those thoughts creep back after grades are posted.

The next posting is appropriately titled "The Easiest way to Find an Ugly Girl Hot." Within this posting are frequent references to fat and/or ugly females and the process of moving beyond superficial appearances. I think it is rather bold of the Ads by Google bar to imply that fat and/or ugly females need to have suicide prevention links available. However, the Ads by Google bar may not be looking for the fat and/or ugly females to click on the links, but the gentleman who was caught with the fat and/or ugly females. Maybe that is the target audience? I'm not sure about this possible explanation. I know many guys who prefer the big ladies and none have contemplated ending it all over this particular matter.

The next posting is a simple collection of useful phrases I have come across bar-hopping in New York City over the last few weekends. I do not think a series of words and matching definition will drive a person of sound mind to suicide, but the Ads by Google bar begs to differ.

Well dedicated reader, I tried to make my Blog humorous, but it appears the Ads by Google bar believes most of my viewers may commit suicide and nobly seeks to help them. Therefore, I support the Ads by Google bar. Please seeks its advice if need be. Otherwise, please enjoy the Blog and living for the next couple of decades. Thank you for your continuing patronage.

So I say put on your Tuxedo, give a great big thumbs up, and have some fun!

Good Times!

Useful Terms and Phrases

2006-01-29T17:08:00.000-05:00

Boobie-Dos - reference to a female whose stomach protrudes further out than her breasts do. As in "Her gut sticks out further than her boobies do."

Make a Freight Train Take a Dirt Road - The person in question is so physically offense that he or she would cause a moving freight train to jump off its tracks and proceed down a dirt road to its destination.

Flatso - A corpulent female who has small breasts. See Boobie-Dos

Gold Digger - A man or women who is only interest in money

Slump Buster - Turning around your luck in life by sleeping with the ugliest girl imaginable

Muffin Top - the slip over when a slightly over weight female wears tight jeans

Chicken Head - A girl who just doesn't stop talking

"Any Port in a Storm" - During a dry spell, when a person will sleep with just about anyone

Butter Face - A girl whose body is incredibility hot, but her face ruins it. As in "Her body is hot, but her face is not."

The Easiest way to Find an Ugly Girl Hot

2005-12-26T13:13:00.001-05:00

It has occurred to me that there is a more usefully corollary to my previous posting (The Easiest way to Find a Girl Ugly, 10/18/2005). More men find themselves in position where they need to find the girl they are with to be hotter than she actually is rather then uglier.

Therefore, I offer the following methods to finding any girl bangable (finding any girl attractive, let alone hot, is a daunting task and, as such, I set the bar a little lower).

Say you have been on a dry streak (You would have committed suicide if it was not for internet porn). You would be willing to lower your unpeckable standards just a little. Your motto of the night is: Not looking for Ms. Right, looking for Ms. Right Now. So you roll up to the bar at 11:00 with a group of friends.

You casually drink a Beer (1).
Then your friend buys you a shot (2).
Some one says he can chug a beer faster than you (3).
Shots, because you chugged that beer faster! (4).
Buy the hot girl "who you manage to not to embarress yourself to within the first 5 minutes of the conversation" a beer and treat yourself to one (5).
You say something stupid and she walks away; so, you buy yourself another beer while telling the bartender that she wasn't that hot anyway and, besides, she wasn't your type (6).
Jaeger Bombs! (7&8)
Nursing a beer slowly so you dont need to puke (9).
You puked, but this is no time to stop. Boot and Rally! (10)
Last Call Beer (11)
Last Call Shots (12&13)
Last Call Beer, Part II (14)

Needles to say, you are very drunk and looking to pick up some chicks. YEAH, CHICKS! But, unfortunately, it is clean up crew time. The only girls left at the bar are look like this one and her two friends. But they look like this (Beer Goggles will kill ya).

After much deliberation (mostly before you hail a cab), you bring her back to your place. Unlock the door carefully not to wake up your rooomate or the various drunken friends passed out on the couches or floor. Then take her back to your rooom. Lock the door behind you. The light comes on and you stop this creature you just were kissing. She looks like Gollum with a little more bright red hair and freckles.

Now what should you do?

"Be a man," you quietly whisper to yourself. The dry streak ends here! But how can you hook up with this monstrocity disrobing on your bed (Note to self: burn the sheets after tonight). Easy you have to follow the easy steps to find any girl attractive (or in your current situation bangable).

Just follow the these simple steps

Turn of the lights, quickly. Remember, Ugly disappears in the dark, Fat doesn't. But, since you live in the the civilized world, there is a light outside so you can still see the face of death in the twilight.
Focus on her eyes. They say that a person's eyes are the gateway to a person's soul or innner beauty. If Shallow Hal has taught the superficial man anything it is that all ugly, fat women have great innner beauty. So, look into the eyes of the beast to see the beauty within.
Now, if you brought back a fattie, make sure you are on top. You can just stare at her eyes and pretend she is 120 lbs. with those huge breasts (yeah, unfortunately they are fat-chick boobs). If she is skinny or just not fat, then you can throw her around like a normal girl.
If all else fails then close your eyes and imagine you are with...Door No.1, Door No. 2, or Door No. 3.

After the nasty sex (you better have used a condom), give her $2 Subway fare (or throw the $1.35 in change at her for you DC people) and send her on her merry way. But make sure you walk her to the door so no one sees her. If necessary walk her to the lobby. Tell her you will call, but make sure never to get her number nor give yours. So you can rationalize later that you would have called, but you didn't have her number.

Even though you got nasty ass, there is no need to lack class.

If you slept in until morning, wake up and get her out of there ASAP. If people see her, eat your humble pie. Don't worry, we have all been there before and will again.

Lie to everyone about how ugly she was and when presented with camera phone evidence dismiss it as poorly lit and much too blurry.

Congratulations, you have managed to make an ugly girl bangable.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, take a burning hot shower to kill everything. And, don't forget, burn the sheets.

Post Exam Chatter

2005-12-23T13:25:00.000-05:00

They (whoever they are) warn you about talking to other student after completing a law school exam. On my thrid exam (New Jersey Practice) I was forced to remain after with some students with similar computer problems. The conversion begin on bieign topics like sports, future exam, and computer related problems. But then one kid decides to talk about the exam.

Kid: I know we aren't supposed to talk about the exam, but [they always preface chatter about this exam with this phrase. It makes them feel better] wasn't odd to get 16 in a row for two answers?

Others who also got the answer 16 for two questions in a row: Yeah, wasnt that odd. [this is where the student who got the same answers are tlaking about it to reassure themselves that others got the same answer, so it must be right]

Now you may think I am bitter. Damn right I am. I didn't get 16 for any answer, let alone two 16's in a row. The moral is: Never talk about the answers to an exam.

If I wasn't in Law School...

2005-12-13T23:11:00.000-05:00

As it must occur to all law school students, I am wondering what my life would be like if i was not in Law School. So instead of studying of for New Jersey Practice (exam in 19 hours and counting) or Tax (exam in 43 hours and counting), I am compiling list of the positives and negetives of my life without Law School.

Pros:

No NJ Practice Exam
No Tax Exam
College Graduate (BS in Economics and BS in Political Science)
High School Graduate
Own TiVo
Mediocre Credit Rating
Leased 2005 Nissan Altima

Cons:

Unemployed
Living at Home
$242,500 in debt to Sallie Mae (= 40k x 4 years at GW + 55k x 1.5 years at Seton Hall Law)
No Girlfriend

It appears the Cons vastly outweigh the Pros. Therefore, I think I am going to stay in Law School. I advise all you students to do some sort of balancing test too.

If you can think of any additional Pros or Cons please email me at Goldberg.Michael@gmail.com.

Halloween 2005

2005-12-11T23:12:00.000-05:00

I know it has been a while since October 31, but I felt this story should be shared with the world. This story is a lesson to all men when buying drinks for a nice girl you've met at the local tavern. Here we go...

It was Halloween night in Hoboken. I was dress as an Angel (Costume $4). So with halo and wings, I attended a party and met a lovely girl whose name alludes me. She was from the University of Maryland and in town for the weekend. We left the party and joined a group of mutual friends going to Willie McBride's (a Hoboken Bar).
So there I am at the bar with a hot girl. Well, we all have been in this situation. She wants to drink and not pay for it. I wanted her to be drunk. "Let's play the game," I thought to myself. (Mistake No. 1)
"Barkeep," I said to the scantily clad woman behind the bar. "6 Kamakazee Shots, please."
I handed her my credit card (Mistake No. 2) in exchange for the six little cups. 2 for me. 2 for her. 2 for her friend who my friend was trying to hook with.
Repeat with tequila.
Repeat with vodka shot.
Repeat with another Kamakazee.
So, from what I remember and can piece together from my friends and their camera phone pictures, this chick was drunk and so was I. And, evidently, she had kissed me and I dropped $100 plus tip. I don't know how much I left as tip because it wasn't on my copy of the receipt (Mistake No. 3).
We left to go to a friends apartment. She sat on the couch. I left her to get beers (Mistake No. 4) for us. When I got back she had past out.
"Aw man," I drunkenly expressed to the other people in the room, "She passed out."
I enjoyed the beers myself and went to check on her. As it turns out, she not only had passed out, but had proceeded to urinate all over my friend's new leather couch. And this wasn't a little pee. It looked like some one filled a gallon container with lemonade and poured it onto her crouch and all over the couch.
Considering the night a complete loss, I passed out.
I awoke to see the chick taking off her pants. Now usually seeing a girl who had earlier been making out with you taking off her pants is a wonderful act to witness. But it was different in this case. Unlike most times, the pants were soaking with urine. After making eye contact I realized that there was no way she would ever want to hook up with a man that caught her taking off her pee soaked pants.
Then I found the most valuable thing to a passed out drunk: a blanket! I reached for it. Grabbed it. It was WET. This was the blanket her friend draped over her friend to hide the fact that she peed herself. Now I was touching a pee soaked blanket.
"Oh that's disgusting! It's covered in..." She looked at me. She knew what it was covered in. I knew what is was covered in. But I didn't want to embarrass her, probably because I still had fleeting hopes of hooking up with her, so I completed the sentence with, "Beer," then passed out again.
I woke up the next morning, collected myself, and went home.

The lesson here is there is a target zone with buying drinks for a girl. You need to aim for the Horny Buzzed I-Don't-Care-Where-My-Friends-Are Zone. This is two drinks passed the Can-I-Get-Your-Phone-Number Zone. And two drinks before the Passed-Out-and-Peed-All-Over-Herself Zone.

Thoughts and Observations

2005-12-05T17:44:00.000-05:00

Here is a list of Realy Good Thoughts I have

Majoring in Communication - You will be the best darn talker in the line at the Unemployment office. Your major is valued between GED and Socialology Major. I hope you played a sport.
Putting a show you have worked your entire life developing on UPN. It will fail and so will you.
Buying the hot chick at the bar drinks. She acheive her goal of getting drunk for free, but you will not be putting up an "Mission Accomplished" banner over your personal battleship.
Promising yourself that you will never again wait until the night before to start the term paper that accounts for over 75% of your grade. You will do it again and make the same promise.
If a girl puts out on the first date, it is not because you were suave, it is because she is easy. And I would not believe her when she said it was a crazy thing she has never done it before. She has and will again.
Dinner and a Movie is the perfect date because for 2 hours of the date you can't say anything wrong and you are not listening to a funny story about the cats she had as a child.
If you are a man and perfer cats to dogs, I support your right to marry.
The Man Show with Jimmy and Adam is Fantastic.
Law School is like being punched in the face while being kneed in the groin.
Med School people don't tell you that their first year is Pass/Fail.
Every guy has laughed at a girl's joke that wasn't funny because he thought it would help them get into her plants.

My Birthday

2005-11-21T23:13:00.000-05:00

I left the following away message:

Auto response from Loantaka: Happy Birthday to me. 24, yeah...
Try your best to leave a clever IM. I'll post the best one later.

And received the following responses:

P R I 6 3: happy birthday, nigga

KYisRLubit: 1) happy birthday
2) do you really have to list your aim screenname in your profile? isn't that redundant? self defeating maybe?

Swandive77: a haiku for you:

mike plus a birthday,
like the fair city ,camden
is most dangerous.

Happy Birthday Mike!!!!!

LizardBerger: happy bday, youngster.

sportsnightnut: http://www.sportspickle.com/features/volume2/2003-0813-yankees.html

BadAzzMoFoJ: happy 24th birthday, ass. it appears that for your birthday the red sox decided to act retarded and trade their top prospect for a freakin' crappy-ass third baseman and a good, yet national league, pitcher.

Big M0: happy birthday bud

sweetFX 81: happy birthday!!
law school prevents me from coming up with anything clever

IrishEdon: Happy birthday Goldberg, Im not sure if i siad it earlier

capitolmeis: hey, happy birthday

jteo72: happy birthday dude!

zjow: happy one day late bday

FastEddy82: ohh shit...im really sorry dude, completely forgot
Auto response from Loantaka: Birthday IMs
FastEddy82: happy birthday dude
FastEddy82: you guys go out?

Best Shows on Television

2005-11-01T23:11:00.000-05:00

The following are the best television shows organzed by day and time. These shows are clearly the hands-down best. (New Shows in Bold)

Monday
8:30-9:00: How I Met Your Mother (CBS)
9:00-10:00: Prison Break (Fox)

Tuesday
9:00-9:30: My Name is Earl (NBC)

Wednesday
9:00-10:00: Ghost Hunters (SciFi)
10:00-10:30: South Park (Comedy Central)
10:30-11:00: Drawn Together (Comedy Central)

Thursday
8:00-8:30: Everybody Hates Chris (UPN)

Friday
All the shows on Friday suck.

Saturday
All the shows on Saturday are horrible.

Sunday:
8:00-8:30: The Simpsons (Fox)
9:00-9:30: Family Guy (Fox)
9:30-10:00: American Dad (Fox)
11:30-11:45: Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law (Cartoon Network)

Honorable Mention (Shows worth TiVoing)

The Man Show (G4 TV)
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
MacGyver (TV Land & Spike TV)
Law & Order (TNT)
Arli$$ (ESPN Classic)

You Know What I Don't Get...

2005-10-30T22:53:00.000-05:00

You know what I don't get? Why does the South reenact the Civil War? That's like red sox fans getting together and reenacting the ball going through Buckner's legs. (Man, I hate the Red Sox) They lost! Why would you want to relive the pain?

Sex & the City, Desperate Housewives, and Gilmore Girls

2005-10-27T01:09:00.000-04:00

Dear Reader,
It has occurred to me that the women of this country are obsessed with three television shows: Sex & the City, Desperate Housewives, and Gilmore Girls. They claim these shows communicate to them, understand them, or something to them no man could ever understand. So I decided to investigate further.

Sex & the City

First, let's start with the all time worst offender, Sex & the City. Every guy has been persuaded to watch at least one episode with his girlfriend or some other chick (with the hopes of seeing some topless action). But who is behind this uber-feminist, female empowering HBO powerhouse?
Creators:

Directors: Female: 9 Male: 14

Allison Anders (Female)
Martha Coolidge (Female)
Michael Fields (Male)
Matthew Harrison (Male)
Victoria Hochberg (Female)
Darren Star (Male)
Daniel Algrant (Male)
John David Coles (Male)
Allen Coulter (Male)
Michael Engler (Male)
Dennis Erdman (Male)
Julian Farino (guest director) (Female)
David Frankel (Male)
Nicole Holofcener (Female)
Michael Patrick King (Male)
Alison Maclean (Female)
Charles McDougall (Male)
Susan Seidelman (pilot episode) (Female)
Michael Spiller (Male)
Wendey Stanzler (Female)
Alan Taylor (Male)
Pam Thomas (Female)
Timothy Van Patten (Male)

Writers: Female: 11 Male: 5

Nicole Avril (Female)
Jessica Bendinger (Female)
Jenny Bicks (Female)
Candace Bushnell (Female)
Cindy Chupack (Female)
Michael Green(Male)
Becky Hartman-Edwards (Female)
Allan Heinberg(Male)
Michael Patrick King (Male)
Jenji Kohan (Male)
Terri Minsky (Female)
Julie Rottenberg (Female)
Darren Star (Male)
Liz Tuccillo (Female)
Aury Wallington (Female)
Elisa Zuritsky (Female)

Well, it looks there are significantly more male directors, but female writers do out number the men. However one further investigation, I have learned that the 3 primary writers are Michael Green, Darren Star and Liz Zuritsky. Two men and a woman are the real brains behind this show.
And who created Sex & the City? No, not even the woman who wrote it (Candace Bushnell), but the person whose idea it was to make the TV show? Mr. Darren Star, a man.

Desperate Housewives

Our next show is ABC's ratings grabber, Desperate Housewives. Girls plan parties around this show. Every Sunday night women gather around their television to watch promicuous wives diddle around with gardens, pool boys, whoever is locked in their basement, or whatever Homme du Jour. So let's take a look into who is behind this female fantasy show.

Writers: Female: 4 Male: 12

Marc Cherry (Male)
Oliver Goldstick (Male)
Alexandra Cunningham (Female)
John Pardee (Male)
Kevin Murphy (Male)
Jenna Bans (Female)
Patty Lin (Female)
David Schulner (Male)
Chris Black (Male)
Kevin Etten (Male)
Tom Spezialy (Male)
Joey Murphy (Male)
Kevin Murphy (Male)
Arlene Sanford (Female)
Adam Barr (Male)
Katie Ford (Female)
Joshua Senter (Male)

Directors: Female: 1 Male: 7

John David Coles (Male)
Fred Gerber (Male)
David Grossman (Male)
Charles McDougall (Male)
Robert Duncan McNeill (Male)
Jeffrey Melman (Male)
Arlene Sanford (Female)
Larry Shaw (Male)

With a combined total of 19 Men to 5 Women, Desperate Housewives appears to have not escaped Men telling them what to do while on camera. Oh and don't worry, Marc Cherry (a man) created the show

Gilmore Girls

Now, Gilmore Girls is a without a doubt the most horrid show on television. The show (which I advise you to avoid at all costs) is a non stop string of senseless wit pouring out of the characters' mouths like raw sewage into a pristine body of water. But who is running this show? Let's find out:

Writers: Females 1 (One Female replaced the other) Males:1

Jane Espenson staff writer (2003-2004)
Rebecca Kirshner writer (2004-current)
John Stephens staff writer

Directors: Female: 11 Male: 28

Sarah Pia Anderson (Female)
Jamie Babbit (Female)
Neema Barnette (Female)
Robert Berlinger (Male)
Stephen Clancy (Male)
Matthew Diamond (Male)
Jackson Douglas (Male)
Kevin Dowling (Male)
Dennis Erdman (Male)
Rodman Flender (Male)
Joe Ann Fogle (Male)
Lesli Linka Glatter (Female)
Steve Gomer (Male)
Marita Grabiak (Female)
Bruce Seth Green (Male)
Michael Grossman(Male)
Nicole Holofcener (Female)
Michael Katleman (Male)
Eric Laneuville (Male)
Perry Lang (Male)
Peter Lauer (Male)
Danny Leiner (Male)
Chris Long (Male)
Gail Mancuso (Female)
Nick Marck (Male)
Carla McCloskey (Female)
Tom Moore (Male)
Alan Myerson (Male)
Adam Nimoy (Male)
Kenny Ortega (Male)
Daniel Palladino (Male)
David Petrarca (Male)
Steven Robman (Male)
Bethany Rooney (Female)
Arlene Sanford (Female)
Lee Shallat Chemel (Male)
Amy Sherman (Female)
Lev L. Spiro (Male)
Michael Zinberg (Male)

The writers may be evenly split, but the directors are running things with a healthy dose of testosterone. Once more, it seems the men call the shots at this show. Though it is worth noting that Amy Sherman (a women) did create Gilmore Girls.

Conclusion

Well, it appears that the shows women love and love to force us to watch are run by men. The show that gets women like no man could, the show that understand my emotions like no man could, the show that communicates to me like no man could, the show that whatever like no man could is in fact most probably written by a man, directed by a man, and created by a man. This fact should ruin her point how you should watch these awful waste of time programs to better understand her.

Source www.imdb.com

Just Because You Can Do Something Doesn't Mean You Should Do It

2005-10-25T11:30:00.000-04:00

I learned an important lesson on Saturday Night and have just found a perfect way to textualize my experience.

Just Because you can do something doesn't mean you should.

I don't know if this saying is a popular adage with a long history, but it should be a part of your life. It holds an important lesson when dealing with extravagant purchases, distasteful jokes, and, most importantly, fat women. I found myself in on such situation and considered my options (her or walking from 95th and 2nd to Penn Station at 7th and 33rd). I opted to walk over 4 miles at 3 am in New York City and consider myself the better man.

Are Jews Smarter? What Genetic Science Tells Us

2005-10-24T13:05:00.000-04:00

Are Jews Smarter? What Genetic Science Tells Us

I'd like to think so.

The Difference Between Men & Women

2005-10-23T22:34:00.000-04:00

I heard this joke the other day. I am sure it is an old one, but worth repeating.

On night, a husband's wife does not come home. The next morning he asked her where she was. She tells me that she was at her friend's house. The husband then calls all 10 of his wife's friends. Each of them said she was not at their house last night.
The husband decides to get revenge by not coming home the next night. When he comes home the next morning, she asks him where he was all night. He tells her he was at a friend's house. The wife proceeds to call all 10 of her husband's friends. 8 say he spent the night at their place. The other 2told her that he not only spent the night, but was still there.

Three Curses in a row?

2005-10-20T21:22:00.000-04:00

I just realized (and thought I should share it) that if it had not been for Steve Bartman there could have been three cursed teams in the World Series. But, alas, Mr. Bartman got in the way. Interesting observation.

Political Compass

2005-10-19T17:20:00.000-04:00

Where do you fall Politically?

My political compass

Economic Left/Right: -1.88

Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -1.38

Here are where some famous figures fall:
I am close to the Dali Lama and Ghandi. How ironic.

The Easiest way to Find a Girl Ugly

2005-10-18T18:24:00.000-04:00

At certain points in our lives, we all have been with a woman that we find very attractive and need to find a way to no longer be stricken with her beauty. I have discovered the way out. Look at her toes. The vast majority of women's toes are ugly. You can find something wrong with her toes! Here are some examples of Ugly Toe Disorder (UTD):

Weird or Disfigured Nails
Significantly Bigger Second Toe than the Big Toe
The Pinky Toe is not the Smallest Toe
Hair on the Toes

Female reader, look at your toes. Yes! They most likely are ugly and you can see it! No doubt there are more instances of UTD and you could be staring at one right now.

In conclusion, the easiest way to find a female unattractive for whatever reason, look at her toes. Most of the time you will find the toes ugly and, thus, can convince yourself she too is ugly.

Criticism: What about Guy's Toes?
Answer: All guy's toes are ugly. No exceptions

Criticism: If "the vast majority" of girls have Ugly Toes, then why do so many girls wear sandal or open toed footwear?
Answer: I don't know why girls show off their ugly toes, but I am sure the answer relates to why fat girls wear shirts that show off their gorging bellies or why capree pants are so popular (no one finds your ankles attractive).

It's a New School Year

2005-09-07T14:37:00.000-04:00

Yes, law school begins a new. And with it readings and other things. I will once again be posting the current reading assignment for future classes as well as pictures that should make you laugh. Thank you and have a nice week.

Law School Suck

2005-04-28T20:40:00.000-04:00

I am sitting here in the library at 8:40 on a Thursday night studying criminal law. All I know is that I don't understand a single thing and Waldeck's exams are awful.

If you are thinking of going to law school, don't. Go to Business school. It's easier and you get more money...

Sorry

2005-04-25T15:08:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the lack of updates. I need to update this blog more often. However, it appears that no one is doing any more reading. Therefore, I am going to post the information on the Exam including what questions will be asked and the formats.

Assignments for Friday, April 15, 2005

2005-04-14T19:54:00.000-04:00

Constitutional Law - Class 37:
A. The Right of Expressive Association Under The First Amendment, pg. 1353-1359
B. The Right Not To Speak Under The First Amendment, pg. 1359-1365

Civil Procedure (1:30-2:25) - Class 37: Finality of Judgments, pg. 1074-77, 1079-1084, and 1090-1111 (Reading is for Classes 35, 36, & 37)

2005-04-14T13:01:00.000-04:00

Nice Ring, Kid!

Seton Hall Law School Assignments for Thursday, April 7, 2005

2005-04-13T14:37:00.000-04:00

Criminal Law (10:40-12:10) - Finish Conspiracy

Civil Procedure (1:30-2:25) - Class 36: Finality of Judgments, pg. 1074-77, 1079-1084, and 1090-1111 (Reading is for Classes 35, 36, & 37)

86 Things to Hate about the Red Sox

2005-04-13T14:33:00.000-04:00

86 Things We Hate about You

By David SchoenfieldPage 2
Draping the huge banner over the Green Monster was terrific. Having Yaz and Johnny Pesky raise the championship flag was a classy touch. Bringing out Bill Russell, Bobby Orr and Tedy Bruschi to throw out the first pitch undoubtedly brought tears to the eyes of many Bostonians.
After 86 years without a World Series title, the Red Sox and their fans deserved such a great ceremony.
But, seriously: Enough is enough.
Enough with the Red Sox.
You won. Excellent. Better you than the Yankees, that's for sure. Still ... it's become just a little too much for the rest of us.
We're starting to dislike the Red Sox. In fact, here are 86 reasons why ...

1. We still have 15 more Red Sox-Yankees games, full of inane hype and ridiculous amounts of attention, left this season, not including a potential playoff matchup.
2. Manny Ramirez's sudden and magical October transformation from absentminded, dim-witted slugger who makes costly baserunning gaffes to lovable, dreadlocked slugger who just plays the game with a little flair.
3. Johnny Damon's hair.
4. Johnny Damon. One .300 season out of four does not make you a star. Enough with the book, the ripping of the ex-wife, and the Page 3 photo galleries.
5. Curt Schilling's bloody sock. Hockey players mock this.
6. 2004 payroll: $127 million.
7. 2005 payroll: $123 million. So far.
8. Carlton Fisk's home run. Here's the deal: YOU LOST GAME 7.
9. Cowboy Up.
10. Ted Williams. The best hitter of his day. But a bad apple. In other words, an old-school Barry Bonds.
11. Derek Lowe's crotch grab in the 2003 playoffs.
12. Jason Varitek's "C" on his uniform. (OK, I admit: I'm still bitter over the Mariners' trading those two guys for Heathcliff Slocumb.)
13. Pumpsie Green. Not Pumpsie himself, but what Pumpsie's playing for the Sox finally meant. If you don't know what I'm talking about, look it up.
14. Butch Hobson, the reckless, error-prone player who was instrumental in the collapse of the '78 Red Sox.
15. Butch Hobson, the coke-sniffing manager of the Red Sox.
16. Hating Bill Buckner for 18 years.
17. Suddenly forgiving Bill Buckner, as if you haven't loathed every fiber of his soul for the past 18 years.
18. Bob Stanley blaming Rich Gedman.
19. Rich Gedman blaming Bob Stanley.
20. Everybody else blaming Calvin Schiraldi.
21. Or John McNamara.
22. "Yankees suck" chants. It's pathetic, lame, embarrassing and not funny. Give it up.
23. "Yankees suck" T-shirts. Even more pathetic, lame and embarrassing.
24. Theo Epstein's genius. Hey, didn't he put Manny Ramirez through waivers before last season?
25. We love Nomar. We hate Nomar. We love him. No, we hate him. Really. But we used to love him.
26. "Put Jim Rice in the Hall of Fame!" Red Sox fans are hollering, but Rice's career falls just short of Hall of Fame status. He received a huge bonus from playing in Fenway Park – for example, during 1977-79, he hit .350 with 82 home runs at Fenway, but just .290 with 42 home runs on the road. He grounded into a ton of double plays, which meant an extra 25 to 30 outs a year not measured in his batting average. And he had his last good year at age 33.
27. The sudden and inexplicable yearning of Red Sox fans to have Pokey Reese back on the roster.
28. The documentaries.
29. The HBO specials.
30. The ESPN specials. OK, we get the picture: Red Sox fans, prior to last season, had suffered immense, gut-wrenching, knee-dropping pain.
31. Bill Lee's eephus pitch. What a way to lose a World Series.
32. Seriously. We know you hate Bucky Dent.
33. Roger Clemens striking out 20 Mariners back in 1986. I don't have time to get into the details and the explanation, but that one game destroyed the Mariners franchise for nearly a decade.
34. Pinky Higgins.
35. The cramped seats at Fenway, which give you a great view of the Green Monster. Too bad you have to wrench your neck to face home plate.
36. All the bandwagon fans. As recently as 1998, the Red Sox ranked just ninth out of 14 teams in the American League in attendance.
37. That time Manny Ramirez played left field with a water bottle in his back pocket.
38. Doug Mirabelli's little soul patch thing below his lower lip.
39. Trot Nixon's hat.
40. Bronson Arroyo's cornrows.
41. Mike Myers' delivery.
42. Mueller? Millar? Miller?
43. "Fever Pitch."
44. Roger Clemens wearing the eyeblack and then going berserk in the 1990 playoffs against the A's. Classy.
45. Fans booing Ted Williams back in the day.
46. Williams giving the fans the finger.
47. The numerous T-shirts for sale outside Fenway suggesting Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez should, umm, do something we can't print here.
48. Johnny Damon's book.
49. Stephen King's book.
50. Bill Nowlin and Jim Prime's book.
51. Leigh Montville's book.
52. The Boston Globe's book.
53. Mike Vaccaro's book.
54. Peter Golenbock's book.
55. Tony Massarotti and John Harper's book.
56. The Boston Globe's other book.
57. The Boston Herald's book.
58. The Sporting News' book.
59. Dan Shaughnessy's updated book.
60. Seriously. We know. Bucky Bleepin' Dent.
61. Tom Brady.
62. The whole Wade Boggs-chicken thing. That was a little weird.
63. Dan Duquette running Roger Clemens out of town.
64. Dan Duquette not given credit by fans for then bringing Pedro Martinez into town.
65. Pedro's head-hunting through the years.
66. Mo Vaughn winning the 1995 AL MVP Award. It should have been Edgar Martinez. Compare: Mo hit .300 with 39 home runs, 126 RBI, a .388 OBP and .575 slugging pct.; Edgar hit .356 with 29 home runs, 113 RBI, .479 OBP (that's almost 100 points higher, folks) and .628 slugging pct.
67. Grady Little. For blowing the 2003 ALCS and letting the Yankees advance to the World Series.
68. Mike Torrez. For giving up that home run to Bucky Bleepin' Dent and letting the Yankees advance to the playoffs.
69. The entire 1978 team for blowing a 14-game lead and letting the Yankees advance to the playoffs.
70. Trading Sparky Lyle to the Yankees back in 1972 for some stiff named Danny Cater.
71. David Wells.
72. The whining.
73. The self-loathing.
74. The degree of whining and self-loathing.
75. The meltdown by Fenway fans in Game 4 of the 1999 ALCS, when a controversial call on the field led to fans bombarding the field with plastic bottles and other trash.
76. The lack of respect given to Dwight Evans. When's the last time you saw a Dewey Evans jersey at Fenway?
77. The 1947-51 Red Sox. Despite stars like Ted Williams, Bobby Doerr, Dom DiMaggio, Johnny Pesky, Vern Stephens, Mel Parnell and Ellis Kinder, they didn't win a single pennant those years. And the Yankee dynasty of the '50s began its domination.
78. That game in the Kingdome I was at in 1996 when Mike Greenwell set a record by driving in all nine runs in a 9-8 Red Sox victory.
79. Mike Gimbel.
80. Eating four sausages at Fenway.
81. The reverence given former owner Tom Yawkey. Geez, maybe he'd have won a World Series if he had considered signing Jackie Robinson or Willie Mays.
82. The strange infatuation with former reliever Rich "El Guapo" Garces.
83. The Pedro-Zimmer brawl.
84. Letting Carlton Fisk sign with the White Sox back in '81.
85. Did I mention "Fever Pitch"?
86. Another Page 2 story on the Red Sox or Yankees? My god, can't you clowns give it up? There are other teams out there, you know. Do you realize the Blue Jays are in first place right now? Even the Devil Rays are ahead of your beloved Red Sox and Yankees. Gimme a break. How 'bout the other Sox? They haven't won since 1917. When's the last time somebody made a documentary on their fans? And how 'bout those Brewers? Off to a 4-2 start? What do your columnists think about their chances this season? But, no ... Red Sox, Red Sox, Red Sox ...

Seton Hall Law School Assignments for Wednesday, April 13, 2005

2005-04-12T10:42:00.000-04:00

Constitutional Law (10:40-12:15) - Class 35&36 (in one Class):

A. Virginia v. Black, pg. 226 in Supplement.

B. Content Neutral Restrictions On Speech: The Philosophy And Theory, pg. 1234-1246
C. Content Neutral Restrictions On Speech (pg. 1246-1257) & Occurring At Publicly Owned Property (pg. 1263-1268)
D. Symbolic Conduct That Communicates, pg. 1301-1312
E. Campaign Finance, pg. 1324-1333

Optional Readings:

A. Content Based Restrictions On Low Value Indecent Expression, pg. 1204-1211
B. Content Based Restrictions On Low Value Hate Speech, pg. 1211-1228
C. True Threats pages 1054-1055

Property (12:50-2:20) - Eminent Domain, pg. 119-187 (Though it is unclear how much of this section we need to read for Wednesday's class)

Seton Hall Law School Assignments for Tuesday, April 12, 2005

2005-04-11T17:46:00.000-04:00

Constitutional Law (10:40-12:15) - Class 34:

A. Content Based Restrictions on Low Value Obscenity, pg. 162-1184
B. Content Based Restrictions on Low Value, Lewd, Profane, Or Indecent Speech, pg. 1184-1204

Civil Procedure (1:30-2:25) - Class 35: Finality of Judgments, pg. 1074-77, 1079-1084, and 1090-1111 (Reading is for Classes 35, 36, & 37)

Seton Hall Law School Assignments for Monday, April 11, 2005

2005-04-11T13:12:00.000-04:00

Constituational Law (10:05-11:35) - Class 32:
A. Content Based Restrictions on Low Value False Statements of Fact, pg. 1112-1134
B. Content Based Restrictions on Low Value Commercial Advertising, pg. 1139-1160

Proeprty (11:45-1:15) - Eminent Domain, pg. 119-178 (Though it is unclear how much of this section we need to read for Monday's class)

Criminal Law (1:55-3:25) - Inchoate Crimes (continued)
II. Complicity (continued)
C. The Mens Rea, pg. pages 713 - 730 (Beeman, Wilson, Etzweiler and notes)
III. Conspiracy
A. Introduction, pg. 749
B. Nature of Conspiracy, pg. 750 - 758 (Verive and notes) & pg. 758 - 767 (Griffin and notes)
C. Termination of the Agreement, pg. 767 - 770 (Recio and notes)

2005-04-10T22:51:00.000-04:00

Jerry Falwell talks about his first time.

Seven Dirty Words (The big seven words you weren't allowed to broadcast were: Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits)

2005-04-09T18:12:00.000-04:00

The following is a verbatim transcript of George Carlin's "Filthy Words" prepared by the Federal Communications Commission.
Aruba-du, ruba-tu, ruba-tu. I was thinking about the curse words and the swear words, the cuss words and the words that you can't say, that you're not supposed to say all the time, [']cause words or people into words want to hear your words. Some guys like to record your words and sell them back to you if they can, (laughter) listen in on the telephone, write down what words you say. A guy who used to be in Washington knew that his phone was tapped, used to answer, Fuck Hoover, yes, go ahead. (laughter) Okay, I was thinking one night about the words you couldn't say on the public, ah, airwaves, um, the ones you definitely wouldn't say, ever, ['] cause I heard a lady say bitch one night on television, and it was cool like she was talking about, you know, ah, well, the bitch is the first one to notice that in the litter Johnie right (murmur) Right.
And, uh, bastard you can say, and hell and damn so I have to figure out which ones you couldn't and ever and it came down to seven but the list is open to amendment, and in fact, has been changed, uh, by now, ha, a lot of people pointed things out to me, and I noticed some myself. The original seven words were, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. Those are the ones that will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and (laughter) maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor (laughter) um, and a bourbon. (laughter) And now the first thing that we noticed was that word fuck was really repeated in there because the word motherfucker is a compound word and it's another form of the word fuck. (laughter) You want to be a purist it doesn't really-it can't be on the list of basic words. Also, cocksucker is a compound word and neither half of that is really dirty.
The word - the half sucker that's merely suggestive (laughter) and the word cock is a half-way dirty word, 50% dirty - dirty half the time, depending on what you mean by it. (laughter) Uh, remember when you first heard it, like in 6th grade, you used to giggle. And the cock crowed three times, heh (laughter) the cock - three times. It's in the Bible, cock in the Bible. (laughter) And the first time you heard about a cock-fight, remember - What? Huh? naw. It ain't that, are you stupid? man. (laughter, clapping) It's chickens, you know, (laughter)
Then you have the four letter words from the old Anglo-Saxon fame. Uh, shit and fuck. The word shit, uh, is an interesting kind of word in that the middle class has never really accepted it and approved it. They use it like, crazy but it's not really okay. It's still a rude, dirty, old kind of gushy word. (laughter) They don't like that, but they say it, like, they say it like, a lady now in a middle-class home, you'll hear most of the time she says it as an expletive, you know, it's out of her mouth before she knows. She says, Oh shit oh shit, (laughter) oh shit. If she drops something, Oh, the shit hurt the broccoli. Shit. Thank you. (footsteps fading away) (papers ruffling)
Read it! (from audience)
Shit! (laughter) I won the Grammy, man, for the comedy album. Isn't that groovy? (clapping, whistling) (murmur) That's true. Thank you. Thank you man. Yeah. (murmur) (continuous clapping) Thank you man. Thank you. Thank you very much, man. Thank, no, (end of continuous clapping) for that and for the Grammy, man, [']cause (laughter) that's based on people liking it man, yeh, that's ah, that's okay man. (laughter) Let's let that go, man. I got my Grammy. I can let my hair hang down now, shit. (laughter) Ha! So! Now the word shit is okay for the man. At work you can say it like crazy. Mostly figuratively, Get that shit out of here, will ya? I don't want to see that shit anymore. I can't cut that shit, buddy. I've had that shit up to here. I think you're full of shit myself. (laughter) He don't know shit from Shinola. (laughter) you know that? (laughter)
Always wondered how the Shinola people felt about that (laughter) Hi, I'm the new man from Shinola. (laughter) Hi, how are ya? Nice to see ya. (laughter) How are ya? (laughter) Boy, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch. (laughter) Guess, I'll shit on my watch. (laughter) Oh, the shit is going to hit de fan. (laughter) Built like a brick shit-house. (laughter) Up, he's up shit's creek. (laughter) He's had it. (laughter) He hit me, I'm sorry. (laughter) Hot shit, holy shit, tough shit, eat shit, (laughter) shit-eating grin. Uh, whoever thought of that was ill. (murmur laughter) He had a shit-eating grin! He had a what? (laughter) Shit on a stick. (laughter) Shit in a handbag. I always like that. He ain't worth shit in a handbag. (laughter) Shitty. He acted real shitty. (laughter) You know what I mean? (laughter) I got the money back, but a real shitty attitude. Heh, he had a shit-fit. (laughter) Wow! Shit-fit. Whew! Glad I wasn't there. (murmur, laughter) All the animals-Bull shit, horse shit, cow shit, rat shit, bat shit. (laughter) First time I heard bat shit, I really came apart.
A guy in Oklahoma, Boggs, said it, man. Aw! Bat shit. (laughter) Vera reminded me of that last night, ah (murmur). Snake shit, slicker than owl shit. (laughter) Get your shit together. Shit or get off the pot. (laughter) I got a shit-load full of them. (laughter) I got a shit-pot full, all right. Shit-head, shit-heel, shit in your heart, shit for brains, (laughter) shit-face, heh (laughter) I always try to think how that could have originated; the first guy that said that. Somebody got drunk and fell in some shit, you know. (laughter) Hey, I'm shit-face. (laughter) Shit-face, today. (laughter) Anyway, enough of that shit. (laughter)
The big one, the word fuck that's the one that hangs them up the most. [']Cause in a lot of cases that's the very act that hangs them up the most. So, it's natural that the word would, uh, have the same effect. It's a great word, fuck, nice word, easy word, cute word, kind of. Easy word to say. One syllable, short u. (laughter) Fuck. (Murmur) You know, it's easy. Starts with a nice soft sound fuh ends with a kuh. Right? (laughter) A little something for everyone. Fuck (laughter) Good word. Kind of a proud word, too. Who are you? I am FUCK. (laughter) FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) Tune in again next week to FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) It's an interesting word too, [']cause it's got a double kind of a life--personality--dual, you know, whatever the right phrase is. It leads a double life, the word fuck.
First of all, it means, sometimes, most of the time, fuck. What does it mean? It means to make love. Right? We're going to make love, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to make love. (laughter) we're really going to fuck, yeh, we're going to make love. Right? And it also means the beginning of life, it's the act that begins life, so there's the word hanging around with words like love, and life, and yet on the other hand, it's also a word that we really use to hurt each other with, man. It's a heavy. It's one that you have toward the end of the argument. (laughter) Right? (laughter) You finally can't make out. Oh, fuck you man. I said, fuck you. (laughter, murmur) Stupid fuck. (laughter) Fuck you and everybody that looks like you. (laughter) man.
It would be nice to change the movies that we already have and substitute the word fuck for the word kill, wherever we could, and some of those movie cliches would change a little bit. Madfuckers still on the loose. Stop me before I fuck again. Fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump. Easy on the clutch Bill, you'll fuck that engine again. (laughter)
The other shit one was, I don't give a shit. Like it's worth something, you know? (laughter) I don't give a shit. Hey, well, I don't take no shit, (laughter) you know what I mean? You know why I don't take no shit? (laughter) Cause I don't give a shit. (laughter) If I give a shit, I would have to pack shit. (laughter) But I don't pack no shit cause I don't give a shit. (laughter) You wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter) That's a joke when you're a kid with a worm looking out the birds ass. You wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter)
It's an eight-year-old joke but a good one.(laughter) The additions to the list. I found three more words that had to be put on the list of words you could never say on television, and they were fart, turd and twat, those three. (laughter) Fart, we talked about, it's harmless It's like tits, it's a cutie word, i-io problem. Turd, you can't say but who wants to, you know? (laughter) The subject never comes up on the panel so I'm not worried about that one. Now the word twat is an interesting word. Twat! Yeh, right in the twat. (laughter) Twat is an interesting word because it's the only one I know of, the only slang word applying to the, a part of the sexual anatomy that doesn't have another meaning to it. Like, ah, snatch, box and pussy all have other meanings, man. Even in a Walt Disney movie, you can say, We're going to snatch that pussy and put him in a box and bring him on the airplane. (murmur, laughter) Everybody loves it. The twat stands alone, man, as it should.
And two-way words. Ah, ass is okay providing you're riding into town on a religious feast day. (laughter) You can't say, up your ass. (laughter) You can say, stuff it! (murmur) There are certain things you can say its weird but you can just come so close. Before I cut, I, uh, want to, ah, thank you for listening to my words, man, fellow, uh space travelers. Thank you man for tonight and thank you also. (clapping whistling)

2005-04-08T10:39:00.000-04:00

Professor Caraballo is lost at former New Jersey Governor James McGreevey's Parade (we know its not a St. Patrick's Day Parade). Can you find Seton Hall Law School Proffesor Caraballo and help him find a way back to his office?

Seton Hall Law School Assignments for Friday, April 7, 2005

2005-04-07T12:36:00.000-04:00

Constitutional Law (10:40-12:15) - Class 32:

A. Content Based Restrictions on the Disclosure of Confidential Information, pg. 1074-1091
B. Content Based Restrictions on Disclosure of Non-Newsworthy Private Information, pg. 1134-1139

Civil Procedure (12:50-1:45) - Class 34: Post-Trial Motions and Appeals, pg. 1024-1025, 1029-1038, 1049, 1060, & 1071-1073 (Readings are for Classes 33 and 34)

Investigative Reporting

2005-04-07T00:43:00.000-04:00

On April 1st the following Pearls Before Swine and Foxtrot Comic Strips were published:

Pearls Before Swine

Foxtrot

Coincidence? I think not. I investigated the source. I emailed Stephan Pastis, the author of Pearls Before Swine, to uncover the truth. I received the following reply:

Hi Michael...
I'm good friends with Bill and we thought we'd have some fun for April Fools Day. We each did the same strip and then accused each other of plagiarism in statements we released to newspapers.

As it turns out, it was an April Fool's day joke on the readers.

Case Closed.

Boston 7 Yankees 3

2005-04-06T23:28:00.000-04:00

W: Timlin (1-0)
L: Rivera (1-1)

This one was A-Rod's fault. If he had managed to throw the ball home instead of bobbling it there would have been two outs and when Ortiz dribbles to first the game would ahve been over. Yankees win 3-2. I assure Mo will be back. Jeter will kill Timlin.

Red Sox v Yankees Game 3

Can you find Missy and Molly?

ESPN.com - MLB - Recap - Red Sox at Yankees

Seton Hall Law School Assignments for Thursday, April 7, 2005

2005-04-06T21:08:00.000-04:00

Criminal Law (10:40-12:10) - Inchoate Crimes
II. Complicity
A. Introduction, pg. 689-691
B. The Accessorial Act, pg. 691-713 (Ochoa, Tally and notes)
C. The Mens Rea,pg. 713 - 730 (Beeman, Wilson, Etzweiler and notes)

Civil Procedure (1:30-2:20) - Class 33: Post-Trial Motions and Appeals, pg. 1024-1025, 1029-1038, 1049, 1060, & 1071-1073 (Readings are for Classes 33 and 34)

Boston 3, Yankees 4

2005-04-06T09:50:00.000-04:00

W: Rivera (1-0)
L: Foulke (0-1)

AL East Standings
Team W L GB
NYY 2 0 -
TOR 2 0 -
BAL 1 0 -
TAM 0 0 -
BOS 0 2 -

Yankees on top. Boston in the basement. Things are as they belong.

ESPN.com - MLB - Recap - Red Sox at Yankees

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball

2005-04-05T12:04:00.001-04:00

Here are some of the better (or worse) pictures from the Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball (April 1, 2005). If you would like all the picture, please email me (goldberg.michael@gmail.com).

Seton Hall Law School Assignments for Wednesday, April 6, 2005

2005-04-05T12:04:00.000-04:00

Constitutional Law (10:40-12:15) - Class 31: Content Based Restrictions On Low Value Fighting Words, pg. 1066-1074 (only 8 pages, this will give you time to read the 50 pages you didn't do for class 30)

Property (12:50-2:20) - Mount Laurel Handout

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:57:00.000-04:00

Shelly, Sam, and Scott rocking out. Ami is doing something non-rock related.

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:56:00.000-04:00

Me, Bijou, and Upneet

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:55:00.001-04:00

Razeeb dancing or about to throw up

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:55:00.000-04:00

Erin, Chris, Sam, and Sasha

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:51:00.000-04:00

Sam (doing something), Sasha, and Marc

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:49:00.000-04:00

MIssy has no idea what Marc is doing. After the picture was taken, Missy asked to see the picture. I didn't show her.

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:48:00.000-04:00

Mark Enright and his girlfriend (I don't know her name)

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:47:00.000-04:00

Sam and Marc obviously intoxicated

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:45:00.000-04:00

The ladies love a man in a Tux. (Amanda, Me, and Sarah)

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:44:00.001-04:00

Me, Molly, and her two best friends

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:44:00.000-04:00

Upneet Singh Teji, our new SBA Treasurer

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:43:00.000-04:00

Scott Shoulder

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:42:00.001-04:00

Erin does not drink. But there is not reason to worry, Chris drank enough for two that night.

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:42:00.000-04:00

Sam Perez

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:40:00.000-04:00

Professor of the Year, Prof. McLaughlin, and his wife

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:39:00.000-04:00

Amanda Petty thinks Dumb and Dumber is not a good movie. This is karma.

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:38:00.000-04:00

Chug! (Missy)

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:37:00.000-04:00

Sarah and Amanda sneaking somewhere

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:36:00.000-04:00

Kari and Joe

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:35:00.000-04:00

Joe and Steph

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:34:00.000-04:00

Shannon, Missy's Boobs, Molly, and Mallory

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:33:00.000-04:00

Matt is a hit withe ladies (Sarah, Missy, Amanda, and Molly)

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:31:00.000-04:00

Sarah and Me

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:30:00.000-04:00

Matt and Missy

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:29:00.001-04:00

Me getting undressed on the dance floor by Shelly and Ami (Note to self: get a non-clip on bow tie)

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:29:00.000-04:00

Molly gives us all the hand

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:27:00.000-04:00

Razeeb at one of his finer moments

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:26:00.000-04:00

Scott rocking out with Steph and Ami

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:24:00.000-04:00

Me, Ami, and Dan

Seton Hall Law School Barrister's Ball Pictures

2005-04-05T11:20:00.000-04:00

Razeeb and Joe

Barrister's Ball

2005-04-04T19:06:00.000-04:00

Select Photos of Bannister's Ball will be posted tomorrow

Seton Hall Law School Assignments for Friday, April 5, 2005

2005-04-04T18:58:00.000-04:00

Legal Research and Writing (8:30-10:00) - Individual Class Meetings

Constitutional Law (10:40-12:15) - Class 30:

A. Freedom of Speech – The Philosophy and Theory, pg. 993-1004
B. Overbreadth, Vagueness and Prior Restraint, pg. 1091-1106
C. The Differences Between Content Based and Content Neutral Restrictions on Speech, pg. 1004-1005
D. High and Low Value Speech, pg. 1004-1005
E. Content Based Restrictions on High Value Political Speech, pg. 1005-1051

Civil Procedure (1:30-2:25) - Class 32: Trials and the Right to a Jury Trial, pg. 944-951 (Read very Carefully), 982-992, 995 1005-1016, and 1022-1023. (Readings are for Classes 31 and 32)