The "How are you doing?" Response Rule
- "How are you feeling?"
- "What's wrong? You can always tell me."
- "How are you really doing?"
- "Anything bothering you, dear?"
- "How are you doing, hon?"
Notice in the last question the addition of the cordaliality "hon" used mostly by females and gay guys. This ending nicety is added as a sign of concern. Groups using this add-on are the except to the "How are you doing?" Response Rule. They actually care how you are doing.
- No Response - always acceptable, because the party who asked "How are you doing?" doesn't really care so won't be listening to a response anyway
- "Fine" -or- "Just Fine" - Simple and Effective
- "Okay" - just a quick response to an Okay day
- "Well" - things are going well, but I won't bore you with the details unless you ask.
- A short description of what you are currently doing. i.e. "Thinking about getting lunch" or "Getting a paper clip."
- "Better than Britney Spears" - Pop Culture references in the form of bad jokes are acceptable answers as long as they refer to something in last week's news or some well known event or personality. As such "Better than Otto von Bismarck after Emperor Wilhelm II forced him to resign" is not acceptable while "Higher than Willie Nelson" is.
- "Case of the Mondays" - References to certain movies are more than acceptable answers. Acceptable movies are, but not limited to: Dumb & Dumber, Office Space, Zoolander, Wedding Crashers, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy, Any Mel Brooks Movie, Happy Gilmore or Billy Madison (Not Big Daddy), Swingers, or Old School. The list is not complete. Sports references are also allowed.
- "Good, but the wife and kids are blah blah blah..." - No one cares about your wife and kids unless your wife is hot and you are getting a divorce. You kids are not as cute or as smart as you think they are. Most likely they are just like every other stupid kid or even stupider.
- "Well, I couldn't get to sleep last night because the cats were..." Listen you old spinster, no one will ever want to hear a sentence revolving around your cats until the day comes when you finally kick the bucket and an office rumor starts that when they found your decaying corpse after a week the cats had eaten half of it. No one care about you or your wasted life.
- "How are YOU doing?" - This is recycled joke from an old Budweiser commercial. It was funny for about 1 month after the commercial aired. Now it is only being used by that guy in the office who isn't funny but desperately wants to be. I hate him because he ruins my jokes by taking credit for the joke if it was funny or inaccurately repeating them and then telling everyone it was his joke so don't blame him if it offended you. This guy is an ass. I hate him. If you are reading this blog and are thinking "I am not that guy. I don't screw up the jokes" or "I am not that guy. I just wanted to share his funny jokes with everyone. What's wrong with that?" you are that guy and I hate you. Take a bath with a toaster.
Boss: How are you doing?
Employee: Fine, but I had a question about today's TPS Report.
Friend 1: How are you doing?
Friend 2: Fine, but what was with you last night?
Friend 1: What doe you mean? I blacked out.
Friend 2: Not only did you hook up with that whale of what I hope was a
woman, but you ran around the room with her giant panties to prove it.
Check your pocket. They're probably still there.
Friend 1: [checks pocket] Oh man...
Guy 1: How are you doing?
Guy 2: Okay.
Guy 3: Fine, but last night I went drinking with Jill from Accounts
Payable and, well, check out what she did to my back. [lifts up shirt to reveal
Guy 1&2: No fucking way!