Monday, October 01, 2007

Three Strikes! You're Out of the Dating Pool

Baseball concepts have been used to describe many aspect of the dating world. In sixth grade when you proudly told your buddies at the lunch table that your elbow totally got to second base with the new teacher assistant,* you meant that you accidentally brushed up against the teacher's assistant's chest. It was a high point of your sex life up to that point. (Please see this article for a complete discussion of the sexual analogue to baseball)

The Three Strikes concept is now being extended to comprise a test for inclusion in the dating world. If you have all 3 of the traits you are undatable. My advice is work on your swing before stepping up to the plate again.

Each gender has a different set of characteristics or strikes because men and women are looking for different traits in the opposite sex.

Women are emotionally deep. So they value characteristics deeper than looks. The number 1 characteristic women want in a man in every survey is a sense of humor. What this really means is that she wants a rich man with some attempt at a sense of humor and he should be relatively in shape. As such, the 3 strikes are:
  1. Has a job
  2. Lives in an acceptable place
  3. In decent shape
Unfortunately, I am 1 strike away from being undatable. I am unemployed and living at home.
I go to the gym or run most days. I can't let my girlfriend break up with me because I am undatable.

Men are superficial. So the 3 strikes for girls is simply:
  1. Ugly
  2. Fat
  3. Stupid
Let's face it, you can date an ugly fat chick if she is really cool or smart. You can date a really ugly cool chick. There are fat hot chick who can be cool. But let's face it, if you are an ugly fat chick who totally sucks to be with, you are undatable. So get your ass in the gym. I'll see you there.


* Every guy remembers the arrival of the new teacher's assistant in middle school or high school. (Miss McGuire) She was the hottest female in your life up to that point. I mean, who else do you have to compare this college age girl to? You contemporary female classmates? Not likely. Strangely attractive much older cousin? (Brighten Beach Memoirs) Unless one of your friends' mom was a total MILF or he had an older hotter sister, the teacher's assistant was the hottest woman in your life up to that point.

Labels:

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

People You Will Meet In Law School Part 10

Name: The Group who Talks Way Too Loud for the Quiet Conversation Section of the Library

Description: The Law School Library is divided into two main sections: the Silent Section and the Quiet Conversation Section. The Quiet Conservation area is basically free-reign for talking. But, of course, there is the Group who Talks Way Too Loud for the Quiet Conversation Section of the Library. This groups shouts at each other, Laugh like supervillians, and slams their books down. This group is loud enough with their jokes and following cackles that you wish the powers that be would strike them down from above with a lightning bolt or at least a wicked bad cold sore.

Remedy: You could be brave enough to ask them to be quiet, but you're not. All you can do is sit there and complain to the people at your table about the Group who Talks Way Too Loud for the Quiet Conversation Section of the Library being too loud.

People You Will Meet In Law School Part 9

Name: Guy who Always Forgets to Turn His Cell Phone Ringer Off

Description: Cell phones are great. You have the ability to contact any person in the world in your pocket. The Cellular Phone ranks up there with the Light Bulb, the Printing Press, the Computer, the Wheel, and Internet Porn. But, like all the other great inventions, there are those who don't know how to properly use the power of modern technology. You know there was some guy who had one of the first light bulbs and thought it was cool to shine it in people's faces momentarily blinding them. That guy sucked and so does the Guy who Always Forgets to Turn His Cell Phone Ringer Off.
The Professor is prattling on about the Doctrine of Standing and Michael Jackson's Don't Stop 'til You Get Enough starts sounding from the lower right side of the room. Everyone stops what they are doing to look at the Guy who Always Forgets to Turn His Cell Phone Ringer Off rifling through his pocket through the festival of pens and papers he has in there is a vain attempt shut off the his personal ring tone. Thanks for wasting everyone's time.

Remedy: Put your phone on vibrate. If you're in class now, check to make sure its on vibrate. Sometimes the Professor will be a maverick by asking the Guy who Always Forgets to Turn His Cell Phone Ringer Off for the ringing phone. The Professor will pick it up to inform the caller that the Guy who Always Forgets to Turn His Cell Phone Ringer Off is in class and will call back later. This public embarrassment might remind everyone not to be the Guy who Always Forgets to Turn His Cell Phone Ringer Off in the future.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Wine Night: How to Get Ass in College

Problem: You have just taken a girl on a date. You spend $100 on dinner and want to bring her up to your dorm room to have sex, but you don't know how to get from "Want to come up?" to her lying satisfied on your bed.

Solution: Wine Night

Wine Night is simple concept that will always lead to you getting laid. Here is how you do it. Before you meet up with your Special Lady Friend buy a $10 to $15 bottle of Red Wine preferably Merlot or Pinot Noir and a $20 bottle of Champagne. Every girl loves Merlot. Most likely she has not heard of Pinot Noir, but she will like it and be fooled into thinking you know wines. Champagne is great. Girls love the bubbles. It will get you drunk but a light happy drunk which is much better to compared with the heavier beer drunk.

Buy a Chick Flick In Disguise Movie like Almost Famous or Wedding Crashers. Basically a movie that is funny but in the end the male lead finds love and realizes it was the girl there the whole time. That sappy romantic shit is great.

After the dinner or whatever you two were doing invite her up to your dorm for a movie and tell her you have some wine, specifically a Merlot or Pinot Noir, you've been wanting to try. It is important to be open and honest here. You know what is going to happen if she comes up to your room. She knows what will happen is she goes up to your room. Mentioning the wine will make you seem more mature and refined than if you tell her about the 6-Pack of Natty Ice hiding towards the back of your fridge. If she says no, then you're out of luck. But if she says yes, then take her upstairs put on the movie allowing her to watch to beginning while you open the bottle of wine.

IMPORTANT: You must know how to open a bottle of wine. Practice on something or learn from a friend. If you screw it up or there is cork floating in her glass, the perceived romance is lessened. Also know how to pour wine. There is a proper technique to pouring and the amount that should be poured into the glass.

Open the bottle of wine, pour two glasses, hand one to her, sit next to her on the couch, and then cheers. The cheers is the most important part. The Cheers is a signal that you are drinking, she is drinking, and you are two mature adults enjoying a bottle of wine, not two college kids getting drunk.

Enjoy the wine and the movie, but particularly enjoy the company. Periodically offer to fill her glass when she finishes it. Do not rush the wine. If you finish before her, you can refill your glass. Offer to refill her's if need be.

When the bottle of wine is done you two should have a little buzz going, but the movie should be at most half way over. Inform her that you have a bottle of champagne and offer her a glass. If she says yes, open the bottle, laugh at the cork popping, and pour a glass for her and a glass for you. Cheers. Repeat.

After a while or when the champagne is gone, make your move. There is nothing to fear. The wine has gotten you two buzzed and the champange gives you a warm kinda bubbly drunk feeling.

How does the movie end? Who cares?

Feminist Note: You are not trying to get this girl drunk to get laid. That is lame, will lead to bad things, and in is illegal in 49 states (Go Mississippi!). All Wine Night is two adults enjoying a bottle of wine, a bottle of champagne, and each others company. The Alcohol is acting as a social lubricant and will hopefully counteract some nervousness that you may be feeling. Most importantly, if the girl says no then you have to stop. Girls talk. A lot. If you are known as that guy you won't get laid that night and you won't let laid again if girls know your reputation. If she says she doesn't want another glass don't pour her one. Pour yourself one to make sure she knows she is not going to ruin your enjoyment of the wine. If she refuses, it does not mean she isn't interested. She may be buzzed or drunk enough for what she is doing and may not want to be drunker. Still make your move. After all, a girl is voluntarily in your room watching a movie with you. I said it before: You know what is going to happen if she comes up to your room. She knows what will happen is she goes up to your room. Don't let anything stop you from making your move. If you make your move and she stops you, then I'm sorry. You found the wrong chick and stop wasting your time and precious wine on her.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Things You Should be Shot for Doing Part 1

In this series of posts I will be discussing activities people do or products people use and solely based on this, each of these people should be shot on the spot. A popular version of this is on The Man Show when Adam declares himself King and in a series of Royal Decrees he proclaims that "Any man caught walking a cat on a leash will be shot on sight." I wish to continue down this route when I come across something as offensive as a man walking a cat on a leash.

To the left you see the newest product for doggy travel, the PuppyPurse. The PuppyPurse is designed to a light weigh dog carrier for the busy pet-owner. Look at the picture to the left of our model gal pet-owner powerwalking her cares away while little Fido enjoys a little fresh air.

This woman (albeit a very attractive one) should be shot. Has society forgotten why we walk dogs? It's not to get fresh air or allowing the dog to benefit from your company (recent studies have shown that the dog will forget something after 30 seconds. Bonding time just got a little less memorable). The dog gets walked to do its business.

The creators of the PuppyPurse "Hedy Grant and Suzanne Sherman noticed how many people were carrying their dogs inside handbags in the heat of Summer and decided there was a gap in the market for a more suitable and stylish carrier." Carrying dogs in hangbags? Have we as a society lost our minds? You are seeing the Paris Hilton Effect on us all. Stupid Spoiled Whore carries an uglier than sin little dog around with her all the time and now its a trend spawning this unholy invention.
"Miss Sherman was said to have been inspired to set up the business two years ago by her own Maltese dog Sammy who 'wanted to be with her all the time.'" I want to shoot the inventors right now. Your little rat dog does not love you. It's feeble brain only knows you are the one who gives it food. It doesn't love you. No one does. I am going to take one guess at each of the inventor's personal lives. One has never been married and no one ever loved her. To fill the void of no meaningful relationship with a person she has her little Maltese. The other one is probably divorced. Her Ex Husband hates her and her kids don't call as often as she would like. To fill the nothingness which has become her life she buys a little Chihuahua.
Worst of all, the PuppyPurse costs between $75 and $115. A small price to pay to look like a complete social reject. At least your little dog will be happy as it bounces up and down. After a brief walk it will feel as if it were shaken by a British Nanny.
I hope the PuppyPurse people come out with Extra Large version allowing owners of larger dogs, like my huge black lab, to enjoy the benefits of hands-free walking.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

People You Will Meet In Law School Part 8

Name: Guy who Makes his Political Beliefs unnecessarily Known

Description: When it comes to Law School there are situations where students' political beliefs are just going to come out. In Constitutional Law Roe v. Wade will undoubtedly put a spot light on the feminists and the conservatives. It happens. But the Guy who Makes his Political Beliefs unnecessarily Known will insert his political believes into such classes as Civil Procedure or Securities Regulations. "It just seems all these laws are made by rich white men to make other rich white men richer." "Helicopterous? Damn it, this would have never happened if Regean was President! He would have gotten those widows jurisdiction." "Do you think the current quagmire in Iraq would have an affect on the 2007 Federal Rules of Evidence? I mean, Bush is to blame, right?"

Remedy: Once more there is no remedy. The Guy who Makes his Political Beliefs unnecessarily Known believes what he says and will let no one repress him! How dare you.

People You Will Meet In Law School Part 7

Name: That Couple

Description: They sit on the benches in a common area of the law school arms inter-twined making kissy-faces at each other while staring deeply into each others eyes. No one likes PDA (Public Display of Affection), but this is law school. In law school people walk around hating life because they are in law school. When your world of law school misery is interrupted by a ray of sunshine coming from this happy couple, you want them instantly to share in your misery. No one is allowed to be happy in law school.

Remedy: No need to worry. This couple will break up during the exams. They'll blame it on the stress, but you won't care. You're just happy because there are two more law students sharing in the general misery.

People You Will Meet In Law School Part 6

Name: Your Favorite Professor

Description: He is the cool professor. He makes the law fun by joking about the plaintiff's problem, the defendant's stupidity, and jests with your classmates. The 2 hour class flies by twice a week. 2Ls and 3Ls don't seem to like Your Favorite Professor, but that doesn't matter because he is cool and makes the law fun. You plan on taking all the classes Your Favorite Professor offers. But in the end the joke will be on you. Your Favorite Professor's exam will be the hardest one in the law school. You walk out of the exam wishing Your Favorite Professor would be hit by a 18 Wheeler.

Remedy: Don't take his class ever again and tell all the 1Ls that Your Favorite Professor sucks. They won't listen. They like his classes. They think Your Favorite Professor is cool and makes the law fun.

People You Will Meet In Law School Part 5

Name: The Law School Class Clown

Description: Law School is boring. Classes last for up to 3 hours. Who can resist whispering a comment to your neighbor or IMing a little joke to your friend in the front row. But the Law School Class Clown raises his hand and makes a comment that is so painfully unfunny you want the money he just wasted in class time. Here is an actual exchange that happened in my Election Law Class:

Professor: It is very hard to challenge a citizen's right to vote, but you can usually do so successfully by proving the would-be voter is either mentally handicapped, specifically the law say an "idiot," or mentally insane.
[The Law School Class Clown's hand innocently goes up]
Professor: Yes? [ready to answer The Law School Class Clown's question]
The Law School Class Clown: Idiots or the Insane? How do they let anyone vote?
[No one laughs. Everyone just stares at The Law School Class Clown]
Professor: Yes, well. Moving on.

Remedy: Just don't laugh at his awful jokes. If The Law School Class Clown does not get laughs he will stop.

People You Will Meet In Law School Part 4

Name: Old Guy in Class

Description: The Old Guy in Class decided to enjoy his retirement by taking the LSAT and attending Law School. He smells of medication and ointment. He shows you pictures of his half-retarded looking grandchildren. With his pants hiked up around his nipples, he sits front row center with a notebook from his early days in school. He remembers WWII and is frequently asked by the professor if he remembers events related to current cases like Japanese Internment, Segregation, the Pentagon Papers, the Dredd Scott Case, etc. He frequently uses terms that were fine in his day but today may be deemed racial insensitive, however, like your slightly racism great-aunt, he is just too old to try to change so its better to just ignore him. This Blackhole of time will suck the usefulness out of any study group he was pity invited to join. The Old Guy in Class does not understand computers (or as he refers to them as "Crazy Contraptions") and always asks for your help on WestLaw. The best thing to do is say you use Lexis. If he uses Lexis tell him you use Westlaw. If he uses both, the simple speak a little Spanish. This will befuddle him causing him to call upon his yesteryear stereotypes causing him to think you are a janitor at the school. He will leave you alone.

Remedy: Wait him out. Odds are he will realize he is too old for exams and quit after 1 semester. But if he is determined the stress of Law School could give him a heart attack. Don't worry, you won't care during exam time. It's not that you are cold hearted, but that you don't have time to mourn. You barely have time to brush your teeth.

People You Will Meet In Law School Part 3

Name: Girl who asks Personal Question

Description: The Girl who asks Personal Question can either be a brief reccess from class or a brutal drive into the newly discovered class psychopath's personal life. Either way, this girl gives you a story you can tell the rest of your friends how they will let anyone in Law School. Usually it begins when the Professor is lecturing about a general area of the law we all have had a brush with.

Professor: The Police can not search a vehicle without a reasonable suspicion, probable cause, or a warrant.
[Girl who asks Personal Question's hand shoots up]
Girl who asks Personal Question: Wait, my boyfriend I was stopped by a cop in the city after an all night rave. He's the DJ. And the cop stopped us and patted me down. I mean that was not right? My boyfriend was arrested for something. I think they found his E, but he got released later that day. I mean if what you just said was correct, then how could that cop arrest my boyfriend?
Professor: Umm... I don't know all the facts, but getting back to the case.
Girl who asks Personal Question: Wait, so the cop was wrong? I can tell my boyfriend that, right?
Professor: I don't know.

Everyone in the class is left in stunned silence.

Remedy: It won't really be problem because this will only happen once in the semester.

People You Will Meet In Law School Part 2

Name: Guy who Asks Questions at the very End of Class

Decription: Despite what some poeple will tell you there are stupid questions. Usually the people telling you this are the stupid people asking the stupid questions. But in Law School things are different. From the Professor's point of view every question is a stupid question. So sometimes the stupidest of questions may lead the professor on a long winded story eventually taking him to a list of elements you need to know for the exam. But there is a wrong time to ask a question: at the very end of class. In Law School, classes sometimes go as long as 3 hours and after 2 hours and 58 minutes all you want is to go home. But up goes the hand. "Professor, could you please explain the holding of the Katz Case again? I am confused how this violates the 4th Amendment." The Professor then repeats the last 15 minutes of his lecture. The class ends only because people from the next class are walking in and out of the room after noticing the room full of angry people.

Remedy: There is no remedy. Confrontation will not work because the Guy who Asks Questions at the very End of Class gets defensive. Just sit there in agony and make sure your notes match the Professor the second time around.

People You Will Meet In Law School Part 1

Name: Guy who Read the Case too Closely

Description: Every case you read in law school can be condensed down to a few sentences or list of elements. Everything else in the case is useless to you. Your Constitutional Law Exam will never ask you what is a Writ of Mandamus is or Why Marbury wanted one from Madison. It doesn't matter what a Writ of Mandamus is or Who Marbury or Madison were. All that's important is this case establishes Judicial Review. However, this doesn't matter to Guy who Read the Case too Closely. He immerses himself in the procedural history even going on Westlaw to see what exactly happened in the lower court. He'll even ask you. But you don't know. You didn't even read the case. You read the case brief in the High Court Casebook.

Remedy: Don't worry about Guy who Read the Case too Closely. Overly frustrated regarding a contradiction in the trial court's reasoning, he will ask the Professor about the lower court or some procedural aspect of the case. The Professor will respond, "I don't know. It's not important."

People You Will Meet in Law School

The following series of posts is a list of the People You Will Meet in Law School. Each of them exists in every law school across the country and perhaps internationally. Everyone of these People You Will Meet in Law School makes Law School just a little more miserable than it needs to be.

If you think that you may be one of these people, you are. I would like you to know that everyone hates you and wishes only the worst for you, but only on exams not in life generally. However, if you think about it, in Law School Life is Exams and Exams are Life; so, in that way they wish you only the worst in life, but only on the short-run. If you do poorly on exams there is a hope that you won't be back next semester.

Monday, July 24, 2006

My Conversation with a MySpace Girl who wants to go to Law School

I received a message from a random chick on MySpace. She wants to go to Law School and decided to contact me because my profile said I went to the Law School.

Her first message

From: ~*Melissa*~
Date: Jul 24, 2006 5:27 PM
Subject: yo
Body: Heyy,

i was looking around on myspace...im kinda new to it...but i came across ur profile and it said law and seton hall so i knew i had to message u! are u looking into law school there?? i may be so i was just wondering


melissa

My reply

To: ~*Melissa*~
Date: Jul 24, 2006 5:32 PM
Subject: RE: yo
Body: I am in Law School at Seton Hall Law. You want to go to Law School?

Her response

From: ~*Melissa*~
Date: Jul 24, 2006 5:56 PM
Subject: RE: RE: yo
Body: yeaah i definately do...im still at montclair state until december...but i def wanna go and im looking into seton hall! how do you like it??

My Reply

To: ~*Melissa*~
Date: Jul 24, 2006 6:20 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: yo
Body: I'll tell you this now. Law School sucks. Sorry. It's not fun. Ask yourself why you want to be a lawyer.

Read these blogs:
http://barelylegalblog.blogspot.com/
http://anonymouslawyer.blogspot.com/

They will give you a slightly cynical but realistic perspective of law school and being a lawyer.

Sorry if I discourage you a little. Watch Alley McBeal. That should counter act whatever realistic view of law school you may gain.

Personally, I watch Law & Order on my TiVo. It helps. You know the good guys win and the bad guys go to jail in one hour. A murderer is put to justice. It all makes the law seem like a episode of the Brady Bunch. But your family isn't like the Brady Bunch. Dad has a rage problem and Mom likes to drink.

Law is not like Law & Order. There is discovery (consisting of asking the plaintiff for a document several times before making the judge order him to give it to you) and preparing for trial (100 hour weeks). However, You never go to trail. You just prepare for it. Almost all cases settle the day before the trial begins.

I hope I answered your questions. If you have any more please do not hesitate to ask.

Her Response

From: ~*Melissa*~
Date: Jul 24, 2006 6:37 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: yo
Body: ahhh lol...hmmm well maybe i look at some other options just in case...i wanted to say hi too tho bc u seem nice!

My Reply

To: ~*Melissa*~
Date: Jul 24, 2006 6:42 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: yo
Body: Just trying to help.
Thanks for the "Hi." Good luck in the application proccess.

I know I am not the best person to ask about Law School, but I thought I at least owed her an honest answer. My friend thought I was a bit harsh when I told her what I did.
Loantaka: some chick is talking to me on MySpace
Loantaka: telling me she wants to go to law school
I Luv Law Skool: haha
I Luv Law Skool: sucks
I Luv Law Skool: oh man
I Luv Law Skool: she's talking to someone who hates it
I Luv Law Skool: i like it
Loantaka: yeah she isn't too bright
Loantaka: this is going to be a great blog entry
I Luv Law Skool: one about her?
Loantaka: yeah
Loantaka: just our conversation
I Luv Law Skool: haha nice
I Luv Law Skool: you're being a little ridiculous
I Luv Law Skool: law school is not hell or something
Loantaka: i know
I Luv Law Skool: we goof off quite a bit
I Luv Law Skool: you're gonna make her change her mind and life
I Luv Law Skool: nice move
Loantaka: if i change her mind she shouldn't be a lawyer
Loantaka: if a random guy who says he is law school on his MySpace profile makes you change your life plan maybe the law just wasn't for you after all
I Luv Law Skool: haha good point

Thursday, July 20, 2006

7 Hot Things to Say to a Woman

I came across this article on the Men's Health web site. Frankly, I do not agree with some of the 7 Hot Things to Say to a Woman. Here is the list followed by my opinions.

1. "I love your eyelashes."

This just seems like an odd thing to say. I think a girl would be a little weirded out and just say a polite "Thank you." Definately not Hot.

2. "Sex with you just gets better and better."

Fine, this is a good one. Girls love to hear they are good in bed just like guys. Just building up the their self esteem so they don't go psycho, depressed, or both on you upon discovering that the Starbuck's Vanilla Frappuccino Blended Coffee they have been drinking every morning has 580 calories, 17 grams of fat, and 85 grams of sugar.

3. "You look beautiful when you're sleeping."

Nothing appears more crazy than telling a girl that you watch her when she sleeps. And nothing is more scary than waking up to see some one watching you sleep. Next time you meet a girl tell her "I watch you when you are sleeping." You better be Santa Clause or she is going to think you're a psycho.

4. "The way you dance is really sexy."

This is a nice way of telling a girl she looks like a slut when she goes to a club. Girls love going to clubs in the smallest amount of clothing possible then virtually having sex on the dance floor. Not that that's a bad thing, but saying she looks sexy is just the nice way of telling her that she succeeded in dressing like a slut and dancing like a whore. And bless her for doing it!

5. "You have a wonderful laugh."
Okay, this one is good. I would use this one.
6. "You're so clever."

See, I just don't get this one. Am I supposed to wait for her to make a joke or witty observation that is clever? Or do I just listen to her tell a story about that one girl at work/school who was trying to get her, but she out smarted her by wearing the blue flip-flips with the pink skirt on Tuesday not Wednesday. "You're so clever." Or when she repeats a line from Sex & the City that wasn't funny in the first place. "You're so Clever." And how about Sex & the City being on TBS now. That show was tolerable when your gf or the girl you were hoping to sleep with later that night takes control of the remote (mistake number one. I don't care if its her place. You are the man. If your don't establish TV Channel dominance now, you'll be watching the Christopher Lowell show picking out doylies during the Superbowl). At least on HBO you were guaranteedd to she some tits. But now on regular cable there is no nudity. Tits in that show were a break from the estrogen soaked show about women behaving like gay guys. You needed the full frontal nudity. It was like gettign a cold bottle of water during a marathon. You just need it or you're not going to make it to the end. "You're so clever."

7. "Your skin smells fantastic."
Women love to hear how they smell nice. It's just one of those things. They buy $150 per ounce perfume to smell like puked up roses. Telling them they smell nice validates something. It's like when she tells you that you're good at sports or some competition oriented activity. Some things just are that way. But saying "Your skin smells fantastic" may cross the line into psycho again. It just sounds like something Hannibal Lector would say on a blind date.
Since I am complaining about these 7 Hot Things to Say to a Woman, I should give my own just to show I have something positive to contribute. But instead of giving you cliche lines, I will give you simple concepts.
  1. Compliment her Eyes. Stupid people think the eyes are a gateway into your sole. Naturally, this is retarded, but women will believee it if they are told they have beautiful eyes because that means they have a beautiful soul.
  2. Some Physical Aspect of her being Soft. Women apply various amounts of moisturizers and creams in an effort to be softor in the least softer. Just telling them it works validates some part of their being. If sheis that starved for compliments and asks you what part of her if soft just say a common semi-specific part and then touch that common semi-specific part. Examples of common semi-specific part: Arm, Leg, Hair, Cheeks (both of them), or Calf.
  3. Ask questions that allow her to talk for the most amount of time possible. She is interested in herself and the more you ask the right questions that allow her to talk about herself the better. Remember one thing she said about herself during her long rambling monologue and ask about it later. She will think you were listening and cared
  4. Repeat after me: "I guess I never looked at it that way. You are right." You should say this after she has concluded yet another story about how she misses her cats or how she would solved the Arab-Israeli conflict with the color pink.
Female Readers, please leave comments on how would react to each of these things being said to you. Are they Hot or Not?
Male Readers, please try these comments out. I am sure these will rank low on the list of absurd lies you've told her. This reminds me on an interesting story. I was out in Hoboken, New Jersey with a friend of mine and a group of his friends. I started a converation with a girl I was not interested in. Here is the conclusion of that conversation:
Me: Men lie to women all the time.
Girl: Men never lie to me.
Me: You actually think a guy is telling the complete truth when he is trying to pick you up at a bar.
Girl: Why would they lie? I would know if they did.
Me: You know how in the beginning of a movie it will say "Based on a True Story"?
Girl: Yeah.
Me: Well that is like what a guy tells you. Sure it's based on a true story, but its not the truth.
Girl: But there some truth in there, right?
Me: Well, no. I was lying. I've told a ridiculous lie to back up my friend's ridiculous lie.
Girl: You're an asshole.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Law & Order Plot Check List

For a time I wanted to go into Criminal Law. I imagined life as a DA was accurately depicted on Law & Order. The meager pay was balanced out by the extremely attractive female lawyer who I would work with on every case and the sense of justice that comes with putting people in jail. As a supplement to my law school education, I set my TiVo to record every episode of Law & Order. Just regular Law & Order. The spin offs don't work for me.
Much to my dismay I soon discovered that there was no creative genius behind Law & Order. The show was, in reality, just an check list. Here is the Law & Order Plot Check List to almost every episode:
  1. Murder occurs
  2. Body found and older cop makes sarcastic joke or reflection on society.
  3. Intro Theme
  4. Detectives find clues and follow a lead bringing them to a suspect who runs away only to be apprehended by the younger detective. The older detective catches up and makes some age related remark.
  5. Some confession or piece of vital evidence is found.
  6. The suspect is indicted.
  7. The judge throws out the confession or piece of vital evidence leaving the lawyers' case in shambles.
  8. The lawyers are forced the re-examine the evidence after scolding the detectives in some way for the tossed confession or piece of vital evidence.
  9. The detectives discover a seemingly unimportant fact that replaces the confession or piece of vital evidence and re-establishes the case; thus making up for their previous error.
  10. Courtroom dramatics ensue in some fashion.
  11. Finally, an episode can end in 4 ways:
    • The once overlooked fact makes is abundantly clears that the defendant is guilty and a plea occurs
    • After the courtroom dramatics occur the jury returns a Guilty verdict. The defendant is upset but not entirely shocked. He or she is lead away in handcuff much to the dismay of a crying mother or spouse. The lawyers and detectives are quietly smug.
    • After the courtroom dramatics occur the jury returns a Not Guilty verdict. The defendant is very happy signified by a big smile. He or she hugs his or her mother or spouse. The lawyers are disappointed, but not shocked at the outcome.
    • Twist Ending - The seemingly unimportant fact leads to the discover of a new obviously guilty suspect who immediately confesses. Or after the Not Guilty verdict the lawyers or detectives look at the evidence in a new light discovering another overlooked suspect is clearly the guilty party. This suspect is arrested and quickly confesses.
I encourage you to watch Law & Order with the Law & Order Plot Check List.

Statistical Notes: Law & Order and the spin offs are on 55 times a week. This means that you have about a 1/3 chance of being able to watch a Law & Order themed show on any given moment.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

An Open Letter to Superman

Dear Superman,
How are things going? Nice job with the whole Lex Luther thing. We all knew you would win in the end. However, that's not why I am writing this letter. I am concerned with your Lois Lane Obsession. You need to get over her. Move on. For heaven's sake, she was the first girl you saw getting off the bus from Smallsville. Maybe you should explore the city a little more before declaring the first girl you saw to be the one. You're Superman. Super-Fucking-Man! You can get any dame in Metropolis and you choose an uppity reporter who wouldn't give Clark Kent the time of day. She isn't even that hot. Have you seen her without make-up? You could do better.
Batman and I think Lois is a gold-digger. Not in the exact way Kanye West put it. She is interested in you for your superpowers instead of your money. Look at how she treats Clark Kent. You think things are going to get better once you open that Pandora's Box by revealing your secret identity? She only likes Superman because he is mysterious and every other girl in Metropolis wants him. Once she has you she will not want you anymore. She only likes what she can not have.

You should go out to the dirtiest of places and pick up some filthy whores. I'm sure if you can stop a speeding bullet the Clap and the HIV aren't going to stand a chance. Herp ain't got shit on you. Super AIDS may be a problem so avoid the Guatemalan hookers.
You need to go to some bars in Gotham with Batman. I've been partying with Bruce. That guy rocks. VIP rooms in Jay Z's 40/40 Club. Johnny Walker Blue was the cheap shit that night. I was doing body shots off Catwoman. For the record, after 2 Long Island Ice Teas she loosens up and actually becomes less of a bitch. Plus, he always picks up the check. Don't feel bad. He's a billionaire with repressed issues. It makes him feel better. And yes, it is weird that he brings that Alfred guy and kid Dick Grayson everywhere. But, why do you have to dwell on the negatives.
See that's your problem; dwelling on the negatives and never looking at the bright side of things. Always needing to save the world from a bank robber or alien invasion. Look, the banks have insurance for that very reason. No one is really losing money but the insurance companies and they can go fuck themselves. Would you rather get some or save the FDIC some petty cash. As for the alien invasion, let Green Lantern or the Flash take care of it. They don't always need your help. And if they do, they'll call you which provides an excellent reason to escape from cuddling ("Listen babe, I gotta go. Green Lantern is calling. He needs my help.").
You should tap that Ex-Girlfriend/Fuck-Buddy in Smallville. What's her name? Lana Lang? I googled her. You know, to make sure the years have been kind. I don't want you to end up at a bar with a duece, duece-and-a-half hearing about her 3rd ex-husband ditching her with her 4th kid which may or may not be his (Maury will let us know). I'm looking out for you Supes. As it turns out she lives in Metropolis and works as a clothing designer and is still smoking hot. You can totally pull this off. Give her an innocent call to catch up on old times. Meet up for dinner, order some fine wine or champagne, and see where things go from there. And spend some money on dinner. You're a top reporter at Metropolis' bestselling newspaper. Don't let this be a repeat of your McDonalds dinner date. How did that end up? No invite up for coffee? I wonder why. Don't argue! I know it's fast and you didn't have much time until the movie began, but you always could have been a little late or caught another movie. And no, letting her supersize it doesn't "make it all good."
You could hit up the Super-Heroine ranks too. Wonder Woman has been talking shit about Lois Lane for years. It's about time you gave her a private tour of your Fortress of Solitude, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Also, Supergirl is Kryptonian. You could hit that. Yes, she may be your cousin, but those records from Krypton are shotty at best being that the planet got destroyed. Besides, you should do it for the good of your nearly extinct people. I am sure she would see it that way too.

My point is that you need to move on. Lois is not worth it. She never was. She only likes you for Superman. You need to find a woman who likes you for Clark Kent.

Take Care Buddy,
Michael Goldberg
P.S.: Hey, you're still going to the JLA Barbeque, right? If you do, bring a date. The excuse that I was too busy saving the world to find a date is getting old. The other superheros are really giving it to you behind your back. They all saved the world and still found time to land a date. I don't see how you don't hear it with the super-hearing. It's getting pretty bad particularly about the tights and the gay rumors surrounding your last movie. Just don't show up alone. Ask that cop Maggie Sawyer. That could be fun. I don't care if you bring that dog-faced secetary. Just bring someone.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Star Jones' Exit from The View

Recently it thas been announced that Star Jones will be leaving The View. I am not shocked at this announcement and neither should you. You should have seen this coming a mile away.
The following are the series of events that forced Star Jones off The View. The show premiered with four co-hosts: Meredith Vieira, Star Jones, Debbie Matenopoulos, and Barbara Walters. Walters and Joy Behar initially took turns as the fourth co-host, but the group was expanded to 5 to allow both Behar and Walters to appear. In 1997 Matenopoulos left the show being replaced by Lisa Ling. Who in turn left in 2002 replaced by Hasselbeck. Big news happened on April 6th, when Vieira was leaving for the Today Show and Rosie O'Donnell was replacing here.
Theory No. 1: There Can Only be One Fat Friend.
There is a rule among womenfolk. For every group of women there needs to be one fat friend. It's a simple and easy rule.
Women, think of your group of friends. Yes, I am talking about Susan. Oh, I know she has a great personality. I agree, she is hilarious. And when you're feeling real bad because that guy at the gym didn't call you back after you hooked up last weekend she was right there to agree that how men suck and help you finish off that tub of Ben & Jerry's. She is a great person. But Susan is fat. You cheer her on when she tells you about her latest diet, but you really don't want her to succeed. Because deep down you know that every cliche of girls needs the fat one. If you are thinking to yourself "We don't have a fat friend in our group." It's best to put down the spoon and pick up a jump rope. And please wipe what I hope is mayonaise off your second chin.
The View premiered on August 1, 1997 with a robust Star Jones. Producers made it obvious who the fatty of the group was and women liked it. The view made women feel like they were peering into a group of women just like their group of friends.
But there can only be one fat friend. With the announcement of Rosie O'Donnell joining the show it was only a matter of time before Star Jones would be forced out.
Theory No. 2: Women Resent the Friend Who Lost the Weight
Star Jones recently lost half of her body weight. We all said we were happy to see she was healthier, but were we? I say no. I'll make an analogy that every guy can understand (women already know that they don't want their fat friend to be better looking than them). You know that guy friend you have? He is an ugly dude with a talent for ruining the best of times. Well imagine he gets a new hair cut and all of a sudden he has a wicked hot girlfriend, who he is cheating on with another equally if not more smoking dame, and makes at least triple of what you make. Not cool, right? Well that is how the women of The View felt about about Star. She got thinner, found her a man, and was attracting more media attention. This could not stand! So what did the women of The View do? They fired her and talked shit behind her back. Yes, this is the stereotypical highschool girl tactic, but it would have been cooler if they beat her up in the lockerroom before gym class and then gave her a swirly. Good times.
Star Jones' exit should shock no one. I hope The View can easily transition back to providing America with a reason to enjoy an hour long nap from 11:00 to Noon. Remember when Barbara Walters was a respected newswoman with 20/20?

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Hands Down Best Professions of All Time

  1. Bootlegger - Think Great Gasby
  2. King - It's good to be the King
  3. Test Pilot - When has going Mach 10 ever not been cool?
  4. James Bond-esque International Spy - Save the world while sleeping with both the female villain and the Female hero
  5. Conquistador - Find Gold for King Phillip II while conquering the Incan and Mayan Empires. Don't worry. They are the France and Poland of Empires.
  6. Archeologist - Think Indiana Jones. I hate Snakes.
  7. American Revolutionary - Damn Red Coats.
  8. Astronaut - What's not totally awesome about hitting golf balls on the Moon?
  9. Ninja - The world's deadliest assassins. You never know when a ninja will appear until it's too late and there is no way to stop one.
  10. Benevolent Dictator or Enlightened Despot - The people will be free; free to do what you allow. Make sure you don't die in the stables; filthy rumors will start.
  11. Super Bowl MVP - "I'm going to Disney World!" But you don't have to.
  12. Internet Billionaire - Step 1: Create a digital company. Step 2: Create frenzy over you stock despite the fact that none of the buyers knows what your company actually does. Step 3: Get out before the Bubble Bursts. Step 4: Buy Dallas Mavericks. Step 5: Get fined by the NBA.
  13. Fictional Billionaire - You could invite Scrooge McDuck to swim in your money bin. It won't be as big as his, but few are.
  14. Regular Billionaire - Pesky Incomes Tax. Jokes on them, I'm stepping down and giving $37 Billion to the poor!
  15. Zach Braff - At 31, this man has hooked up with some of the hottest celebrities. It's an impressive resume.
  16. Pimp - "Where's my money at? Don't make me choke a bitch"
  17. CTU Agent - There is a lot of down time, but the job can be demanding on some days.
  18. Talk Show Host - You can be Oprah (control half the population), Jerry Springer (have half the population of Alabama as past guests), or Conan O'Brien (interview half the population of Hollywood).
  19. College Professor - How much work did he really do and how much did the TA do?

Hands Down Worst Professions of All Time

  1. Rapper Body Guard - You're going to get shot.
  2. Serf, Vassel, or Fife - Wake up. Til the land. Pay lord. Church. Sleep. Repeat until the afterlife. Which will hopefully be better only if you are predestined for heaven.
  3. Test Pilot - There is nothing cool about a Mach 10 nose drive into the ground.
  4. Pegboy - Look it up. It's not pleasant.
  5. Evil Villian Henchman - You're going to die a meaningless death unless you are the main henchman, then you will die a meaningless more painful death.
  6. People Conquered by the Europeans - Yes, we are sorry you died. We truly are. Still it sucked to fight a valiant battle only to lose to diseases you are not immune to. Just like in the move War of the Worlds. What a bad movie.
  7. Day Laborer - Paco, here is $20 for your hard days work. You earned it.
  8. Hessian - You are a paid German Mercenary. Unfortunately, you lost. Big time. Go George Washington! USA! USA! USA!
  9. Rocket Ship Test Pilot Monkey - There is a reason they use monkeys. They don't expect them to come back nor care if they do. There will be no parade for Bobo.
  10. Telemarketer - The world's easiest ignored callers. You know when they are calling and can easily stop them by signing up for a government list.
  11. The Horse & the Guy Who Found Her- If you get the theme of this list you're laughing now.
  12. Third String Quarterback - Sure you're on the roster, but are you really on the team?
  13. Guy who didn't sell His Internet Stock before 2001 - The Bubble Burst and you lost.
  14. Lady Shoe Salesman - Al Bundy, we all wish you well in life.
  15. The Homeless - Bum: Got any spare change? Fletcher: Yes! Bum: Well, could ya spare some?No! Bum: Well, why not? Flethcer: Because I believe you will buy booze with it! I just want to get from my car to the office without being confronted by the decay of western society!... Plus I'm cheap! ahh!
  16. Corey Feldman - Yeah, that sucks.
  17. Whore - Being slapped by a pimp even if you give him all the money is not fun.
  18. Terrorist - Jack Bauer always wins. Always. Your days are numbered. Rather, your day is numbered on screen in ticking seconds.
  19. Jerry Springer Guest - Southerns make the rest of use feel better even on a bad day. Not Canadians. They suck.
  20. TA - We know who really does all the work. I give you credit even though you didn't give me extra credit when I had an 89.45. You wouldn't bump me up to an A-. Fuck this and fuck you Phillip Stalley! I hate the TA's. I showed up on Fridays at 8am for your American Political Science Discussion and you this is what I get. Yeah, I know you slept with the hot blonde in the class even though its frowned upon, but I'll have you know she was banging sone one else. Some one else with Hep C. I hope you've gotten use to the burning during urination over the last 6 years.

Friday, June 23, 2006

National Take Your Dog to Work Day

Today is National Take your Dog to Work Day. (Yes, it does actually exist. I googled it.) This pseudo-holiday is an actual event with an assortment of easily purchased cards and posters to go along with it. And, perhaps best of all, a Song.

Normally I would not know about (nor care about) National Take your Dog to Work Day, but today the Head Partner (his name appears on the sign outside) at the firm, which I am a Summer Associate, brought in his dog today. All morning "Bark" "Bark" "Bark." I wondered to myself, "How is he getting work done in there with his dog?"

My answer would quickly appears as minutes later my boss comes into the Library that serves as an office for me and the other Summer Associate. Here is our little conversation:

Head Partner: [appearing in door with dog] Hey guys, How are you doing?
Other Summer Associate: Fine.
HP: That's great. You guys may know that it's National Take your Dog to Work Day. So my wife thought it would be a good
idea to bring my dog into the office. [long Bill Lumbergh pause]. Right. Well, I can't get any work done with my dog here. So, I need you guys to watch it.
[My boss then proceeds to let the dog loose in the library]
HP: You guys should close the doors. We don't want him running around the office.
So here I am right now; sitting in the library doing work that a above average literate 4th grader could handle with an overactive Shi-Tzu.

"Bark" "Bark" "Bark" I want it to die.

I think there are similarities between National Take Your Dog to Work Day and Take Your Daughter to Work Day. You bring something you love to work. All it does is prevent you from working by distracting you either by barking or wondering what's for lunch. Odds are it will never want to come back once it realizes how awful work truly is. Maybe Your Daughter to Work Day was established as a conspiracy to stop feminization by showing the young women of America how much work sucks.

The dog is looking at me. I hope they are right when they say animals can sense things. I hope it can sense that I want it to run into oncoming traffic. Or maybe get sucked into a street cleaner. Either way, I want it gone.

4:47 pm Update: The work day has 13 minutes left. The head boss has left for the day. However, he has forgotten the dog. Maybe on purpose. If I cared about this job, I might go so far as to bring it to his house (maybe assuring me an offer). But, as previously discussed, I don't care about this job. I am going to pawn it off on one of the just hired attorneys. They will do anything to make partner. There is one here who waters the boss's garden. I wish I were here during the winter to see if she would shovel his drive way too. Okay, screw the dog. It looks like National Take Your Dog to Work Day will be extended until Monday.

I am coming in late so I wont need to clean up after it.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

The Association to Bring Back the High Five

I am starting a new club. The club's name is The Association to Bring Back the High-Five ABBHF, pronounced A Double-B H F). The ABBHF's sole goal is to bring back the High-Five. You want in?

In the 1980's the High-Five ruled the hand gesture world. At one point the High-Five even temporarily replaced the handshake in corporate atmospheres. But the decline of WHAM! was coupled with the decline of the High-Five. It was no longer cool to High-Five your buddy in celebration of your matching Flock-of-Seagulls hair styles. The High-Five reached it low point in 1992 when Eddie Murphy was found using it to pick up a transgender prostitute named Shalimar.

It was over for the High-Five. Popular sports figures chose to use the "Fist Pounded" after scoring a touchdown or hitting a walk off home run. The once great celebratory hand gesture was asked to leave the cool gestures lunch table by the contemptible gesture twins, "Hook 'em Horns" and "Rock Out." Even the High-Five's BFF, the "Middle Finger," turning its back on the High-Five revealing an uglier side. Distraught, the High-Five had no other option but to sit at the nerd table joining the ranks of the "Bang Bang" gesture, the "Fig Sign," and the "Loser" sign.

The High-Five would not be beaten. The "Shaka," who knew what the High-Five was going through, helped the High-Five gain his confidence back. Now it is up to us, the people, to restore the the High-Five to its former glory!

The ABBHF's main goal is to give the High-Five a Thumbs-Up again by following a simple set of social instructions. The Official ABBHF Instructions are as follows:
  1. High-Five friends and love ones at all times.
  2. When a colleague attempts to use another gesture, force the High-Five instead. It is acceptable to use the less popular Low-Five or the Middle-Five in this situation.
  3. Make others aware that you are proudly using the High-Five by saying "High-Five" while High-Fiving someone.
  4. Use the High-Five for not only Celebration.*
  5. Encourage others to use the High-Five.
*(Note: The High-Five is a versatile hand gesture. The Mourning High-Five can be used at furnerals. The I Missed You High-Five can be used when greeting someone at an airport. ABBHF members can freely invent their own High-Fives)

Members of the ABBHF will signify their membership by posting "ABBHF Member" or "Member of the ABBHF" in an online profile (AIM, Facebook, or MySpace). Join the ABBHF Group on Facebook. Join the Group on MySpace ( http://groups.myspace.com/ABBHF).

And remember our proud Motto: "High-Five the World." Stand strong and High-Five proudly!

Friday, June 16, 2006

The Carrot and The Stick

The principle of The Carrot and The Stick is an old one. Back in the day, you have two ways of motivating your donkey:
  1. You could reward its good behavior with a treat, i.e. a carrot.
  2. You could punish its bad behavior by hurting it, i.e. with a stick.

This principle of motivation is key to getting your way by making people do things. Think about it. Yeah, the same principle that makes a Donkey pull a plow guides your decision making.

However, this does not apply at my summer job. There is no carrot. There is no stick. I am planning on taking a half day today. In the real world I would have to go into my direct boss's office and tell him (in reality asking him) that I was taking a half day. I may make up some bullshit excuse (I told a co-worker I had a doctor's appointment so if anyone comes looking for me he can inform them of my lie) preventing him from denying my half day. But this is not the real world. This is my bullshit summer job. I am just going to leave at 1.
Here is how it works. In between your 2L and 3L years of law school you get a job as a summer associate. You work at a firm and if they like you, they reward you (The Carrot) by giving you an offer (Offer - Offering a position on the lowest rung of the law firm pecking order. Don't worry you are still better than the secretaries and paralegals. They aren't real people or, at least, shouldn't be treated as such). Basically it's a summer long interview. For further information please consult Anonymous Lawyer and Barely Legal Blogs.
I work at an anti-social firm. It sucks here. I would never accept the offer. Sure, I would say accept it because I would use it as Plan B. It's kind of like when a 4 asks you to the Prom. You say yes, but say that you are unsure now and would get back to them. You do this in the hopes that an 8 or better becomes available. It's the same concept with firms. The Carrot is gone.
Now in the real world the punishment or threat of punishment is demotion or being fired. I am a summer associate. I am the lowest position at the firm. I can't be demoted. They can not make me a paralegal or secretary non-person. I am already a person to the lawyers. It doesn't work that way. The job is too short to actually fire me. It's easier for them to put up with me for 3 months. The Stick is gone.
I don't care anymore. I am leaving early.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

The "How are you doing?" Response Rule

The question "How are you doing?" has caught my attention today. Usually when someone says hello I respond by saying hello, hi, or an equivalent I respond in some fashion. It's just the polite thing to do. Recently, I have been using the Metro New York Area greeting popularized recently by The Sopranos: "How are you doing?" It makes me look tough yet sort of interested in how the person is doing. But honestly my intentions are far from the latter. Unfortunately, there are still some (especially in the office setting) who do not understand how to properly answer this question; therefore, the following is a set of rules on responding to the question "How are you doing?"
When I ask "How are you doing?" I don't care about your life. If you were to die tomorrow the only significant impact on my life would be the cake in the lunchroom and the important lesson on seatbelt safety. I already know about seatbelt safety. It's been ingrained in me since elementary school and I wouldn't eat the cake because most likely it is a horrible tasting cake bought in you honor because you like Rice Pudding and Bananas. You will be last remembered by me as some one who likes shitty cake and can't follow simple traffic laws.
The response to the question "How are you doing?" can be nothing, a short response with no actual meaning, or a bad joke (but since it is in the office setting both parties need to give the courtesy laugh). If the person actually wants to know about how you are really doing, he or she will ask a more specific question like :
  • "How are you feeling?"
  • "What's wrong? You can always tell me."
  • "How are you really doing?"
  • "Anything bothering you, dear?"
  • "How are you doing, hon?"

Notice in the last question the addition of the cordaliality "hon" used mostly by females and gay guys. This ending nicety is added as a sign of concern. Groups using this add-on are the except to the "How are you doing?" Response Rule. They actually care how you are doing.

Here are a list a of pre-approved responses to "How are you doing?"
  • No Response - always acceptable, because the party who asked "How are you doing?" doesn't really care so won't be listening to a response anyway
  • "Fine" -or- "Just Fine" - Simple and Effective
  • "Okay" - just a quick response to an Okay day
  • "Well" - things are going well, but I won't bore you with the details unless you ask.
  • A short description of what you are currently doing. i.e. "Thinking about getting lunch" or "Getting a paper clip."
  • "Better than Britney Spears" - Pop Culture references in the form of bad jokes are acceptable answers as long as they refer to something in last week's news or some well known event or personality. As such "Better than Otto von Bismarck after Emperor Wilhelm II forced him to resign" is not acceptable while "Higher than Willie Nelson" is.
  • "Case of the Mondays" - References to certain movies are more than acceptable answers. Acceptable movies are, but not limited to: Dumb & Dumber, Office Space, Zoolander, Wedding Crashers, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy, Any Mel Brooks Movie, Happy Gilmore or Billy Madison (Not Big Daddy), Swingers, or Old School. The list is not complete. Sports references are also allowed.
Responses to avoid:
  • "Good, but the wife and kids are blah blah blah..." - No one cares about your wife and kids unless your wife is hot and you are getting a divorce. You kids are not as cute or as smart as you think they are. Most likely they are just like every other stupid kid or even stupider.
  • "Well, I couldn't get to sleep last night because the cats were..." Listen you old spinster, no one will ever want to hear a sentence revolving around your cats until the day comes when you finally kick the bucket and an office rumor starts that when they found your decaying corpse after a week the cats had eaten half of it. No one care about you or your wasted life.
  • "How are YOU doing?" - This is recycled joke from an old Budweiser commercial. It was funny for about 1 month after the commercial aired. Now it is only being used by that guy in the office who isn't funny but desperately wants to be. I hate him because he ruins my jokes by taking credit for the joke if it was funny or inaccurately repeating them and then telling everyone it was his joke so don't blame him if it offended you. This guy is an ass. I hate him. If you are reading this blog and are thinking "I am not that guy. I don't screw up the jokes" or "I am not that guy. I just wanted to share his funny jokes with everyone. What's wrong with that?" you are that guy and I hate you. Take a bath with a toaster.
The other exception to the "How are you doing?" Response Rule is when you have an actual question or concern for the person asking the question. Here are three examples:
Boss and Employee

Boss: How are you doing?
Employee: Fine, but I had a question about today's TPS Report.

Two Friends

Friend 1: How are you doing?
Friend 2: Fine, but what was with you last night?
Friend 1: What doe you mean? I blacked out.
Friend 2: Not only did you hook up with that whale of what I hope was a
woman, but you ran around the room with her giant panties to prove it.
Check your pocket. They're probably still there.
Friend 1: [checks pocket] Oh man...

Story Time

Guy 1: How are you doing?
Guy 2: Okay.
Guy 3: Fine, but last night I went drinking with Jill from Accounts
Payable and, well, check out what she did to my back. [lifts up shirt to reveal
back]
Guy 1&2: No fucking way!

Notice how the "How are you doing?" is answered quickly and then another more interesting topic is brought up.
Simple rules for a simple question. Please follow them.